Confessions From A Stay At Homo (SAHM)

(Over) Parenting, Ego, Self-Esteem and the Therapy Account

2011-06-15T13:10:00.000-07:00

A recent article on parenting in the Atlantic Monthly by Lori Gottleib, a psychologist, speaks of adults coming into her office who "suffered from depression and anxiety, had difficulty choosing or committing to a satisfying career path, struggled with relationships, and just generally felt a sense of emptiness or lack of purpose."

Historically, the author claims that the therapists were trained to look at the way the kids were parented. "Our main job as psychotherapists, in fact, was to 're-parent' our patients, to provide a 'corrective emotional experience' in which they would unconsciously transfer their early feelings of injury onto us, so we could offer a different response, a more attuned and empathic one than they got in childhood."

But with these new disgruntled patients she couldn't find the "distracted father" or the "critical mother" or the "abandoning, devaluing, or chaotic caregivers" in their lives.

The problem? Maybe parents are doing too much for their kids.

Those parents nowadays....

Gottleib follows parenting advice over the years and finds a single underlying goal of good parenting that has held steady: to raise kids who will grow into productive, happy adults.

The story reminds me of a couple of Woody Allen quotes. The first occurs in Annie Hall, where the character Alvy Singer says "I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable."

Happiness is a strange thing.

What is happiness? How do we measure it? How do I compare my happiness to your happiness? Or my happiness now to my happiness, say, a year ago. And has its definition changed over time?

Surveys show that Americans were happiest in 1958.

There's been a spate of articles in the field of economics about happiness lately. Are women happy? Are we happier than our parents? Does money make us happy? Are gays happy?

Behavioral economics speaks a bit to happiness as well. And the research makes the whole question even more confusing because as it turns out our memories fail us. We remember things differently than we experience them, and that alters our perception of how happy we are/were. Remember that family vacation where you drove across the country in a hot station wagon sans dvd player and you and your brother fought the whole way?

Wasn't it great?

We also know that happiness is relative. It doesn't really matter how you feel, but how you feel relative to your peers. We know from experiments that people would prefer to be the top earner in a firm at $55,000/year than to be the bottom earner at $65,000 per year.

"Nowadays, it's not enough to be happy-if you can be even happier. The American Dream and the pursuit of happiness have morphed from a quest for general contentment to the idea that you must be happy at all times and in every way. 'I am happy,' writes Gretchen Rubin in The Happiness Project, a book that topped the New York Times best-seller list and that has spawned something of a national movement in happiness-seeking, 'but I'm not as happy as I should be.' "

Now, back to parenting and this quest for happy kids. Psychiatrist Paul Bohn of UCLA argues that in our quest for happy kids, "many parents will do anything to avoid having their kids experience even mild discomfort, anxiety, or disappointment--'anything less than pleasant,' as he puts it--with the result that when, as adults, they experience the normal frustrations of life, they think something must be terribly wrong."

Dan Kindlon argues that "'It's like the way our body's immune system develops,' he explained. 'You have to be exposed to pathogens, or your body won't know how to respond to an attack. Kids also need exposure to discomfort, failure, and struggle. I know parents who call up the school to complain if their kid doesn’t get to be in the school play or make the cut for the baseball team. I know of one kid who said that he didn't like another kid in the carpool, so instead of having their child learn to tolerate the other kid, they offered to drive him to school themselves. By the time they’re teenagers, they have no experience with hardship. Civilization is about adapting to less-than-perfect situations, yet parents often have this instantaneous reaction to unpleasantness, which is 'I can fix this.''"

Starting to sound familiar?

It's painful to watch your kids in pain. If you're like me it's almost visceral. I can feel it in my stomach when I see Big fall or Eleven experience some heartache from a schoolgirl spat.

Are we doing all of this to meet their needs or our own needs?

Sure, there's the ego involved in seeing our kids succeed. But the article also argues that we have less community nowadays and are more isolated as adults. More of us are divorced and we genuinely like spending time with our kids. That and we're working longer hours and having fewer kids which translates into less time with our kids and a heightened degree of "preciousness" in time and quantity. We want to extend that however we can.

We are so worried about damaging our kids' self-esteem and protecting this notion of happiness that we aren't doing what's best for them. We don't say "No", we don't require chores, we allow kids to quit when the going gets tough, we praise adequate performance or even minimal requirements all in the name of self-esteem and what ends up happening is that kids don't know where they stand. What are they REALLY good at?

The article quotes a teacher who refused to be named "A kid will say, 'Can we get ice cream on the way home?' And the parent will say, 'No, it's not our day. Ice-cream day is Friday.' Then the child will push and negotiate, and the parent, who probably thinks negotiating is 'honoring her child's opinion,' will say, 'Fine, we'll get ice cream today, but don't ask me tomorrow, because the answer is no!'" The teacher laughed. "Every year, parents come to me and say, 'Why won't my child listen to me? Why won’t she take no for an answer?' And I say, 'Your child won’t take no for an answer, because the answer is never no!'"

Barry Schwartz, at Swarthmore, believes that well-meaning parents give their kids so much choice on a daily basis that the children become not just entitled, but paralyzed. "The ideology of our time is that choice is good and more choice is better," he said. "But we've found that's not true."

I couldn't agree more. Recently I found myself and BioMom "negotiating" over which picture package we were going to order for Eleven's dance class. Naturally she wanted the largest, most expensive package including a gazillion wallets (for all of her friends), twelve 8x10s (for all extended family members), a sculpture (because Big got one for hockey) and a poster (for her room). Adding up the dollars in my head it dawned on me that I would never have been allowed to partake in such a decision as a child. It was, literally, none of my business! I tried saying that to Eleven and she was astonished that I would consider such a purchase to be none of her business.

Since then I've watched other decisions in which my kids feel they have a right to partake including meals, restaurants, television, decor and even major purchases. These are all things that I didn't have to, and wasn't allowed to worry about as a kid.

I think the irony in this is that we treat kids in some sense as adults when they are young, but also as complete nincompoops. We let Eleven help us decide whether or not to buy a cabin in Northern Wisconsin, but we've never let her walk to the candy store four blocks away!!??!! Or we don't trust that she can find her way to and from the park?

According to the article: "We didn't expect so much choice [when we were kids], so it didn't bother us not to have it until we were older, when we were ready to handle the responsibility it requires. But today, Twenge says, "we treat our kids like adults when they’re children, and we infantilize them when they’re 18 years old."

All of these choices lead them to feel like they are entitled, which is negative in itself, but this, coupled with a desire to have them not experience discomfort allows them to choose away from the hard stuff (like practicing piano or guitar, do math homework or clean their room). And yes, I'm gonna get to Amy Chua, Tiger Mom and my hero.

So back to happiness. And economics.

The standard Neoclassical model of economics argues that we're just hedonists. We don't want to work (it is a cost to us) but we want to consume. We work to consume. And that's what increases our "utility" or happiness.

I think the model couldn't be more wrong. Marx had it right when he argued that we can get happiness from work and accomplishment.

And Nobel prize winner Amartya Sen had it right with his capabilities approach. It is not only not enough, but it is simply not good to give our kids all of these choices and things, but not give them the tools to deal with the responsibilities. To let them fail and feel pain and hurt and learn that they can get over that.

We've done all of these bad things. I'm not being preachy. But this article spoke to me. Our daughter wants to participate in the decision about which picture package to buy, but she doesn't want to experience the sore muscles, exhausted brain, callouses you get from a hard day's work or practice that would go into earning that money.

We trust our kids with decisions about which grade school to attend (a neighbor of ours wanted her daughter to attend the Spanish immersion program until the daughter thought that it would be too difficult to only learn in Spanish, choosing instead the neighborhood school) but don't make them help out around the house by taking out the garbage, or sticking with guitar lessons and the regular difficulty of practice.

"According to Jean Twenge, research shows that much better predictors of life fulfillment and success are perseverance, resiliency, and reality-testing—qualities that people need so they can navigate the day-to-day."

So.... Happiness. Maybe we need to rethink the whole thing and not set up our kids to think that happiness is about getting ipods and ice cream and avoiding sweat.

Here's another one from Alvy Singer: [addressing the camera] "There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly."

Maybe parenting shouldn't be about making happy kids. It's like the fish analogy: give the kids stuff that makes them happy now, or the tools to be competent adults and let them figure out what makes them happy.

Secret Camera on Gay Parents...

2011-05-24T12:14:00.000-07:00

So I suck as a blogger lately. Well, more than lately. We've had an extraordinarily busy year. Funny, the new baby thing seems easy from this perspective. I'm hoping to update more now that school is out and I've got the push of the academic http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifyear behind me. http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

In the mean time check out this awesome video on reactions to gay parents and a rude waitress at a cafe in the south.... This makes me feel optimistic for the upcoming vote in Minnesota.

AAARRRGGG!

We Won't Wait for Spring

2011-03-23T10:49:00.000-07:00

Christmas at Horseshoe Lake

2011-01-05T17:05:00.001-08:00

We spent the week between Christmas and New Year's in Wisconsin. It was amazing. Snow and cuddling, and reading, and lego-ing, and dominoing, and Clue-ing, and hiking, and making bagels and making ice cream and loving.

Below are the kids and a couple of friends crossing the foot-thick iced over lake to the island.

DADT Repeal, 21 Years (almost) To The Day

2010-12-21T07:37:00.000-08:00

On December 20th 1989, after seven four hour finals (literally) at the U.S. Air Force Academy, a couple of military police asked me in for questioning about some "acts of homosexuality."

This was before Clinton's infamous Don't Ask Don't Tell Policy was enacted (which was intended to help gays in the military but ended up making it worse -- there were more discharges after DADT than before) and so I was relatively lucky: I didn't have to go to jail after admitting that I had, in fact, kissed a girl.

The repeal of DADT happened 21 years later, almost to the day and, naturally, I have some mixed feelings.

Of course, I am thrilled that the discriminatory policy is over, but like desegregation in schools and measures that allowed women into previously male-dominated workplaces (the military academies, for example, only let in women for the first time for the graduating class of 1980) I don't envy those first groups of individuals to live in the new policy. That last class of men at the Air Force Academy, for example, have in their 1976 class ring a saying "LCWB" which stands for "last class with balls".

Nice.

And, of course, the repeal is bringing forth ghosts of Christmas past.

Whoever let a 20 year old young woman drive to Denver from Colorado Springs, after having been told that she was being kicked out of college in the middle of her junior year, and that she would have to go home and tell her family for the first time that the cause of this eviction was her potential sexuality should be given a life sentence.

I'm surprised I made it.

And, as you probably suspected, I did not exactly receive a warm reception from my family.

Ugh.

But life has it's ways doesn't it? Those right-hand unexpected turns tend to teach you the most and I'm convinced that we can't always know what is best for ourselves, making omniscient decisions at age 17.

Well, as Cousin put it on Facebook, I would never have had the opportunity to do her dishes in our communal apartment in Lincoln Nebraska had the discriminatory been repealed 21 years ago.

And I would not have known virtually everyone in my life right now.

I am so thankful for that.

He's a whole HANDFUL!

2010-12-09T08:18:00.001-08:00

Happy Birthday Big!

New Study: No Child Abuse in Lesbian Headed Households!

2010-11-23T08:34:00.000-08:00

Check out the Onion's spoof on this -- particularly the comments.

Even for the Non-Economists. . .

2010-11-16T07:29:00.000-08:00

Check out this incredibly funny YouTube video explaining the Federal Reserve's recent actions. This is a great one for even those non-economists out there.

The Economist's Son: Preschool Year Two

2010-11-11T10:22:00.000-08:00

Big is in his second year of preschool.

It is amazing to watch him grow intellectually and emotionally. One day I showed up and he was jumping rope like a maniac.

And now these past few days he is learning how to snap his fingers, practicing incessantly.

I love when we are reading and he asks about something about which he has never heard: the other night was peanut brittle.

Last night, after the bedtime routine while I was tucking him in, he asked "What is a necessity?"

Maybe he has just become adept at extending the routine because this naturally lead into a discussion that not only defined necessity (a good that you NEED), but also it's opposite (luxury: a good that you WANT but don't NEED) as well as a discussion about another category that Big brought up that has yet to be defined explicitly by economists: the good that you NEED but don't WANT (vegetables).

Why Do People Care So Much What Other People Do???

2010-11-10T05:44:00.000-08:00

NerdyAppleBottom has been all over the news lately about the post she wrote about her son's awesome Halloween costume.

I loved the post with its rather antagonistic (to some) title "My Son Is Gay". It was sure to get some attention. But whoa. Seriously, people are freaking out about this.

My main question, other than the obvious ones that in I'll get to, is why do people care so much what other people do?

It seems to me that we should only really care what other people do if what they do affects us in some way or another. Economists call this "externalities" or spillover effects. Even the Ninth Circuit, expecting that the Prop 8 supporters in California will appeal Judge Walker's reversal of the anti-gay marriage law that narrowly passed in 2008, requires that the appellants have "standing":

Standing is a legal doctrine with roots in the Constitution's Article III that requires a plaintiff to show harm or injury. "Essence of standing is that no person is entitled to assail the constitutionality of an ordinance or statute except as he himself is adversely affected by it," explains Black's Law Dictionary, an authoritative legal guide.

See also George Saunders' satirical essay "My Amendment."

So how is this kid, dressed as Daphne from Scooby Doo, for ONE DAY affecting YOU???

Firstly, the kid is probably not gay.

As it turns out, a precious few of us on this planet are gay.

Statistically speaking, that number is WAY less than Kinsey surmised (at 10%), probably reaching somewhere less than even four percent and differing for men and women.

Secondly, though the debate about whether being gay is caused by nature or nurture (biology or socialization) has not yet been definitively concluded, we know that you can't really MAKE someone gay.

And for that matter, you can't MAKE someone NOT gay.

So, regardless about this FIVE YEAR OLD's sexuality, what do you think would have been the psycho-social-emotional effect on him had his mom told him that it was inappropriate to be Daphne and that instead he should be Iron Man or some other gender-appropriate costume?

I suspect the effect would have been FAR more long-reaching and negative.

Thirdly, for those of you out there who worry that his costume is not "age appropriate" I suggest you focus your concern on all those third grade girls out there who wore sexy Santa suits.

Speaking of letting people do what they want, I also just heard about a couple in London seeking a civil union rather than marriage.

Can we just come to this agreement? I'll stay out of your business (including your religion and how you want to decorate your backyard) if you stay out of mine and just let me have my legal rights as a citizen of this fine country.

Championship Volleball Team

2010-11-03T07:44:00.001-07:00

This fall has been a whirlwind, but this past weekend we slowed down. . . Inadvertently.

Ten is on her school's fifth grade volleyball team.

There are so many girls in her grade that are interested in the sport that they had to create two teams.

Anyway, her team has always been the Bad News Bears of the two.

So, this past Saturday they had a little tournament among the catholic schools in the area. There were three brackets and we had literally planned our day around Ten's team loosing in the first round (I was so unprepared, that the picture above was taken with my phone! I didn't even have a camera with me!?!)

When they won, we readjusted, and at an impromptu, unplanned lunch near the tournament (we had one half unexpected hour until the second game) we discouraged Ten from even considering winning the second match and heading to the finals!

And then they won the second match and were heading to the finals!

BioMom was so excited --she had never participated in any sports tournament in her life (either as participant or spectator) and, with one of her own in it, she realized how incredible it was.

We were on the edge of our seat as the last match started. Could they possibly win???

It turned out to be the easiest of the three -- they won in two games!

So that was our day: three exciting volleyball games culminating in a trophy!

Pictures of Halloween to come. The kids had a blast, and then posted 102 degree fevers for the next three days!

My Hermiones

2010-10-26T07:44:00.000-07:00

The Snoop

2010-10-24T19:24:00.000-07:00

So upon Cousin's suggestion, I went ahead and purchased some gifts from Santa last Friday because I happened to be out-and-about and because they were available.

A few years ago Santa brought Ten (she literally may have been five or six at the time) a Hogwarts Lego set. We had a blast putting it together between Christmas and New Years.

This year, Lego is releasing more Harry Potter sets to coincide with the first half of the seventh movie and BioMom and I thought it'd be a perfect Santa present for the kids.

They are LOVING Harry Potter right now.

Ten is in the middle of writing her version of the eighth book in which the children of Harry/Ginny, Ron/Hermione and Malfoy are growing up themselves and off to Hogwarts.

And Big and I have been moving our way through Harry Potter Lego Wii. He will have experienced the whole Harry Potter series exactly opposite of the way that Ten and I experienced it, beginning with Wii, then to the movies and (hopefully) to the books themselves.

And, the pièces de résistance? They are BOTH planning to be Hermione for Halloween.

Anyway, so I had splurged a bit, to avoid a second trip and the holiday rush, and stowed it away in the back recesses of my closet.

In literally no less than 24 hours, Big comes rushing in the kitchen to tell me that there is a HUGE HARRY POTTER LEGO SET IN MY CLOSET AND DID I WANT TO COME AND SEE IT???

In ten years we have nearly had birthday and Christmas presents in PLAIN SIGHT with Ten around, not aware of it.

And now this.

I guess we'll have to get smarter.

Again.

Compartmentalization and It Gets Better

2010-10-18T10:06:00.000-07:00

I've been so busy lately that I've completely compartmentalized all of the gay teen suicides (we've had a couple in Wisconsin lately), violence, and don't-ask-don't tell first nonsense then victory.

Until the other day when I suddenly remembered my first girlfriend.

A few of my readers are high-school friends who also knew Janet.

We were each other's first kiss in the summer (was it before?) of our sophomore year. I have no idea if she would have, ultimately, lived as a lesbian.*

Sophomore year was a hard one for us (isn't it for everyone?). Kids suspected, teased, wrote graffiti on our lockers. I suppose we'd call that bullying now, but we didn't think much of it then. Not enough to really even go to an authority about it.

We had falling outs.

We competed for the same slot in the winning 3200 meter relay.

She committed suicide.

If we had had statistics back then, I'm sure she would never have even been counted as a gay-teen suicide.

Again, I'm not even sure she was, really, gay.

I wish I could talk to her now and show her that, one way or another, it gets better.

*According to the Williams Institute, something like 9 percent of adults either identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual, or report having had same-sex sexual experiences.

Okcupid on Gays and the Numbers

2010-10-16T18:34:00.000-07:00

Check out this excellent post from the OKcupid blog. They are a dating site and have information on literally millions of users.

These are statisticians for the good!

Big and I Made the Walker Art Center's Annual Report!

2010-10-12T13:38:00.000-07:00

If it's available....

2010-10-11T20:42:00.000-07:00

So, Big just finished up his first official fall soccer season.

He played games on Wednesdays and Fridays and, had Cousin et al. not moved, he would have played ON Cousin's girl's team.

Yes. Cry for me.

Anyway, Wednesdays were difficult for us. We were busy with work, and soccer put his bedtime at after 8, which is never good for our kids. So, I would often sort of run by the possibility of skipping soccer on any particular Wednesday, to Big.

Two weeks ago, he told me, emphatically, that "if it is available [meaning soccer], I want to go!"

And the following week he said (not as snarky as this sounds) "do you remember what I said last week?"

The BMX Trip that Went Bad

2010-10-04T11:31:00.000-07:00

So the other day we took the kids and Four-of-Four to a BMX track to mess around a little. Here's another video. I thought it would be a little more accessible than a mountain bike route for our four year old.

Little did I know how difficult it would be!

After a few attempts, we all overcame some fears and got over hills we never expected to get over.

It all went bad, however, when, rushing home, we saw out of the rearview that instead of having three bikes attached, there were only two.

A poem, no less.

The Anti-Gay DVD

2010-10-03T20:04:00.000-07:00

So we got the DVD's in the mail the other day.

It sort of spooks me out that the archbishop considers me enough of a catholic to even bother to send me anything in the mail.

Ironically, however, we got TWO copies, one addressed to both of our names, separately, the other addressed to, get this: Lisa and Sheila BioMom'sLastName. See photos attached.

One option, for those of you wondering what to do with your dvds, assuming you aren't using them for entertainment or educational purposes, there is a group of concerned Catholics are collecting copies of the DVD to return to the Bishops and will make a financial donation to an organization that works to serve the poor in our area for every DVD collected. We are also asking other caring Catholics to consider making a donation of their own to help the poor in Minnesota.

Go to www.ReturnTheDVD.org to find more information on where to send your DVD, and how to make donations yourself to organizations doing the real work of Christ.

Out from Under the Carpet to Protest

2010-09-27T10:10:00.001-07:00

So its been a while since I've had the time or energy to post here.

My apologies, dear readers. Our late-August/September takes a bit of getting used to. There's no long click-click-clicking of the rollercoaster heading to the top of the hill before its first plunge.

No, we just get the plunge.

Goodbye summer!

It was especially true this year because we all skipped that first, short week of classes and meetings just before Labor Day in favor of a last-summer's week together as a family at Camp Du Nord.

I could not pass up, however, the opportunity to comment on the Minnesota Archdocese's attempt to get into the politics of Minnesota by sending out an anti-gay marriage dvd (donated by someone named Anonymous) to 800,000 Catholics across the state.

Again, I find myself astonished that I have even allowed myself to be in a situation where people-anonymous people at that-can comment on or even consider judging my life and my choices.

Why are we going to this school and why am I in a situation where, again, we are in a position to "educate" people?

Nine

2010-08-11T19:52:00.000-07:00

So I met BioMom nine years ago tonight.

We were at a party of a mutual friend and toward the end of the night it became clear that the very next day was BioMom's birthday.

I asked her how old she was.

She answered the literal truth, rather than how old she would be in a mere two hours.

I should have known what I was getting into.

Happy Nine Sweetie!

I'll leave the other relevant number here in its ambiguity, just like you did.

The High Dive, A Summer's Metaphor

2010-08-08T07:52:00.000-07:00

It has been such a great summer.

One of those strange ones where time seems to be moving slowly enough to really dig in and enjoy it.

Other people I talk to are astonished at how quickly the time has flown -- It's AUGUST already? -- whereas I am slowly getting ready to go back to school.

It has been a good, long summer.

We belong to a local "big" pool. This is to say that we regularly go to a pool in which the kids can actually swim. There are these great wading pools literally every mile or so in Minneapolis that we also visit regularly, but this year both kids wanted a bit more.

So, a couple of weeks ago, we were at the big pool and Big all of a sudden noticed the diving boards.

And, of course, immediately wanted to jump off of them.

Both of them: the low AND the high.

He's a fairly decent swimmer, so I was not opposed.

After a few low-dive jumps, he decided that he'd try the high jump. He got all the way up there, walked to the end, and, seeing that it was a bit higher from that perspective, decided to wait until later. The life guard had to bail him out.

That entire night he went on and on about how he was going to go off the high dive the next day.

The next day, the pool was closed to his great disappointment.

The day after that we were all good to go and he did it! I had to capture it on a video this year because he looks so little on that big board.

Enjoy!

Overturned..... Unconstitutional!!!

2010-08-04T14:08:00.000-07:00

Judge Vaughn's ruling of California's Proposition 8!

The Wide World Comforts Her

2010-08-02T15:21:00.001-07:00

I just love the book When Sophie Gets Angry.

The art is fabulous and the story is a great way to introduce to kids the idea of being really super angry. How to be in and sort out angry feelings.

In the book, the girl gets mad at her sister and runs away to her safe spot, her familiar tree, and, clearly, her home-away-from home.

I love that she is free to run and that no one is chasing after her. No one is worried that she'll be abducted or hit by a car.

I kind of want to live where she lives and climb that old beech tree.

Here's my rendition of a climactic point in the book on our sidewalk.

Summer is. . .

2010-07-30T19:01:00.001-07:00

Going off the high dive for the first time AND learning how to do the monkey bars.

Big's Questions

2010-07-27T20:51:00.000-07:00

So Big is a Question Guy.

He's that typical four-year-old with the running inquisition that usually turns tautological if you attempt to answer him literally.

Tonight we had a terrible storm that blew the lights.

We were in the middle of our last bedtime story of the evening, and Big was pretty dissapointed to have it halted prematurely.

He just couldn't understand how some external source governed the electricity of our home and those around us. And who was going to fix it? And how? And would they wear protective suits so they wouldn't get electrocuted? And when would this all happen? Would it happen in five minutes? In fifteen minutes? What if it didn't happen until tomorrow? What if our electricity was still not on tomorrow night? And do things with batteries still work? What things in the house have batteries? Let's see! Would his DS work? Shouldn't we GET the DS to help us get through the current crisis? Etc. Etc.

Oh, and he was hot, of course.

The most profound question of the night, however, happened earlier over pizza with Cousin and her kids.

He turned to Cousin and asked: Are you sad to be leaving us?

Alternative Plot Line for The Kids Are All Right

2010-07-21T08:18:00.000-07:00

Okay so I've been a little obsessed with how I should feel about the hetero-affair in the Kids Are All Right.

Mark Harris of Entertainment Weekly, for example (as pointed out over at Mombian) that it is really a movie about marriage. And a great one at that.

He writes:
I couldn’t remember the last time I saw such a good film about being married. . . . I was startled to realized that the best ones that occurred to me—The Awful Truth, His Girl Friday, Kramer vs. Kramer, Shoot the Moon—were all (a) about divorce and (b) at least 30 years old.

And:
The Kids Are All Right . . . celebrates the journey through marriage in a way that, for the movies, is quietly revolutionary. . . . Make what you will of the bitter irony that the first really great, believable married couple on screen in ages cannot legally marry. . . . This is marriage as you’ve rarely seen it, except perhaps in the bathroom mirror. . . .

[Director Lisa Cholodenko] doesn’t sanctify Nic and Jules as pioneers of social progress. . . . They’re not intended to be role models or billboards for gay coupledom. They and their marriage are, however, recognizably human, which this summer counts as one giant leap in the right direction.

So yeah. I get that.

But here's my alternative, and much better plot line that keeps the heart of what the existing movie is, but adds to it and keeps everyone happy:

1. Paul (sperm donor) is married.
2. Paul meets Laser and Joni. Hi-jinks ensue.
3. Paul's relationship with the kids develops and he is a mixed influence. Jules and Nic are concerned. Paul's wife is involved in the periphery (initially).
4. Paul's wife wants to hire Jules to landscape their backyard. Paul is gone at work during the days. His wife and Jules get closer, eventually have an affair.
. . .
The rest plays out the exact same way HOWEVER
5. The affair brings Paul and Nic closer, and the influence of Paul on the kids weighs toward the good.

Here's the REAL kicker: Paul's wife is played by Portia de Rossi.

What do you think?

The Movie was Alright

2010-07-18T18:42:00.001-07:00

So this past weekend me, BioMom and Cousin got out to our local indie theater and saw The Kids are All Right.

Warning: Plot spoilers below.

We had read LesbianDad's initial review beforehand (and her follow-up to people's skeptical responses) and were definitely willing to give the movie a shot.

Here's my review: it was alright.

There were tons of funny, lighthearted, insightful moments.

I loved, for example, how Joni (the eighteen year old daughter) referred to her parents in the singular: "moms". "As in, I don't want to hurt Moms feelings."

It was also really interesting and exciting to see our lives (only eight years from now... REALLY???) projected on the big screen: two moms with an eighteen-year-old daughter heading off to college and a fifteen-year-old son, both of whom are spending some time questioning their lives as kids conceived through donor sperm, with two moms. And, now that one is eighteen, they actually have the option to perhaps meet the man who donated the sperm that, in fact, enabled their very existence.

At one point the son, Laser, says to his sister something to the effect of "Respect. Without HIM we wouldn't be HERE."

The big hubub about the movie, however, is the affair that Jules (Julianne Moore) has with the sperm donor (Mark Ruffalo).

Despite LesbianDad's urging that the film is "breathtakingly subversive" I was and am still extraordinarily disappointed that Lisa Cholodenko (writer/director) chose the heterosexual affair (however plausible. I fully recognize that sexuality is fluid) as the main point of tension and conflict in the story.

Of course, it was well done. As LesbianDad pointed out, the scene where Nic realizes that her partner of 20 plus years is having an affair with this "interloper" is absolutely breathtaking both from the actor's perspective, but also the director's.

Even if you've never experienced anything like what she experiences right there on screen for your visual pleasure, your heart's gonna be in knots. The scene is that good.

So that's the thing. That is what you take away from the film. It is that large of a part of the story. Even though there are tons of perhaps "subversive" subtexts (a bit of roughhousing with the son's jerk-of-a-friend's dad leaves you wondering if he actually longs for a father and then, perhaps, the astute viewer realizes that the father doesn't turn out to be much of a role model to this impulsive, disrespectful, drug-using friend) you don't walk away with those messages. You walk away thinking about the affair first and foremost, and that it was a heterosexual affair secondly.

I guess maybe that's the point. Not that it was a movie ABOUT a family headed by a lesbian couple. Not that it was about kids coming of age and dealing with their desire to get in touch with the sperm donor.

Sometimes I think that when I look back on my intellectual life, that all I will see is that I've made the point over and over again that we're just like you. That gay and lesbian families really aren't any different than heterosexual families.* And maybe that will be an important outcome and maybe that's what Cholodenko is trying to say.

It's just that it seemed unnecessary. There was plenty of conflict to be had in that situation. Wouldn't it have been far more interesting and creative for her to explore almost any other of the potentially awkward and conflict-ridden relationships in the group rather than the trite lesbian-really-needs-a-man stereotype even if she does ultimately dismiss him and return to her long-term-lover?

Ugh.

Oh, and it didn't help that the sex scenes with him were better too.

Double ugh.

*I'm working on a research project right now and although we don't have any real results yet per se, I suspect that that's what they'll say.

Summer is . . .

2010-07-15T09:53:00.001-07:00

Arty Pants at the Walker.

The first little activity involved Big and I sharing a two-earphoned ipod that had us looking for art in particular galleries not unlike a scavenger hunt. Then, once we'd find a piece of art, they used sounds to help us explore it. Big loved it. The first piece was a huge picture of a boxing match. The sounds in the ipod were of fans and bells and pure excitement.

It was a great way to explore art.

This activity was really cool. You filled these little pouches with paint and then threw balls at them hoping they'd explode all over the canvass.

Summer is. . .

2010-07-14T11:42:00.001-07:00

His first soccer goal. Ever.

Do Parents Hate Parenting?: Joy Versus Happiness

2010-07-13T07:42:00.000-07:00

We were having a little taco night with some fellow parent friends the other night who recently bought this awesome house near the lake with a great backyard.

As you all know, it is fun to be around fellow people with a couple of kids once in a while. As we were saying, once adults have kids, and particularly, more than one kid, you can see/feel/nearly taste the fact that they've given up.

Given up what you might ask?

Well, at some level, you start to give up what was formerly known as your adult life.

This is not to say that you can't have some semblance of an adult life. I work. I work out. I consult. I read. I see movies. I (once in a while) have conversations with other adults. But in all honesty, I don't do any of those things as much as I'd prefer.

Note: even as I write this I am stealing some adult time, blogging and watching the Tour de France as Big plays Batman on his DS (Yes. I'm THAT kind of Baba).

But what I mean is not so much even that. What I mean is what I've noticed of other friends with a little older children, particularly children whose kids participate in sports. Cousin, for example, and Sidekick's parents spend three or even four nights per week nearly year round attending sports events: hockey, soccer, baseball with their ten-or-less year old kids.

And get this: they love it.

I signed Big up for soccer this sumer and BioMom sort of groaned at the thought of spending summer nights on the sidelines of a hot soccer field watching four-year-olds chase a ball around like the Keystone Cops.

We have just not yet quite given in yet.

But it is coming.

Anyway, the other night we were chatting over tacos and Summits about this article: Why Parents Hate Parenting by Jennifer Senior.*, **

From the perspective of the species, it’s perfectly unmysterious why people have children. From the perspective of the individual, however, it’s more of a mystery than one might think. Most people assume that having children will make them happier. Yet a wide variety of academic research shows that parents are not happier than their childless peers, and in many cases are less so. This finding is surprisingly consistent, showing up across a range of disciplines.

Daniel Kahneman, a Nobel Prize–winning behavioral economist found that women preferred housework over childcare.

Other research shows that children reduce marital satisfaction.

Here's some more preference rankings:

Having kids doesn't necessarily make you unhappy, they simply don't make you MORE happy.

Each additional child produces diminishing returns.

Mothers are less happy than fathers.

Single parents are less happy than couples.

Babies and toddlers are the hardest.

What is interesting about all of these results is not really the results themselves, but how people react to them. We don't believe them. Maybe more precisely, we don't WANT to believe them.

So what's the deal with kids?

Daniel Gilbert, a Harvard psychologist claims that what children really do, he suspects, is offer moments of transcendence, not an overall improvement in well-being.

The article author makes the claim that perhaps parenting has changed quite drastically over the years, making it less of a happiness-producing activity.

Before urbanization, children were viewed as economic assets to their parents. If you had a farm, they toiled alongside you to maintain its upkeep; if you had a family business, the kids helped mind the store. But all of this dramatically changed with the moral and technological revolutions of modernity. As we gained in prosperity, childhood came increasingly to be viewed as a protected, privileged time, and once college degrees became essential to getting ahead, children became not only a great expense but subjects to be sculpted, stimulated, instructed, groomed. (The Princeton sociologist Viviana Zelizer describes this transformation of a child’s value in five ruthless words: “Economically worthless but emotionally priceless.”) Kids, in short, went from being our staffs to being our bosses.

My bold.

Annette Lareau, the sociologist who coined the term “concerted cultivation” to describe the aggressive nurturing of economically advantaged children, puts it this way: "Middle-class parents spend much more time talking to children, answering questions with questions, and treating each child's thought as a special contribution. And this is very tiring work." Yet it's work few parents feel that they can in good conscience neglect, says Lareau, "lest they put their children at risk by not giving them every advantage."

One study found that parents' dissatisfaction only grew the more money they had, even though they had the purchasing power to buy more child care. This is explained by the fact that we're having kids later in life and as a result are aware of the loss in autonomy. We are aware of the alternative uses of our time. Of kids one psychologist commented "They’re a huge source of joy, but they turn every other source of joy to shit."

While children deepen your emotional life, they shrink your outer world to the size of a teacup, at least for a while. ("All joy and no fun," as an old friend with two young kids likes to say.)

Another quote:
Loving one's children and loving the act of parenting are not the same thing.

It turns out that the question really is what is happiness? What is joy? What parts of happiness are about sheer immediate experience and satisfaction or about reward and long-term pleasure?

One study found that the least depressed parents are those whose underage children are in the house, and the most are those whose aren't.

This is key. Technically, if parenting makes you unhappy, you should feel better if you’re spared the task of doing it. But if happiness is measured by our own sense of agency and meaning, then noncustodial parents lose. They’re robbed of something that gives purpose and reward.

I know that I feel a great sense of purpose and reward because of the kids. Great losses too. Losses that I feel, really every day. I also have a constant sense of nagging and questioning: did I do that okay? Did I just stomp on his/her self esteem? Are we spoiling them? Are we not spoiling them? Etc. etc. I guess at some level, my over-thinking style of parenting produces a lot of emotional agony. I know that sounds dramatic but it is true. Ten and I butt heads so often and we are so different that I am constantly evaluating and re-evaluating our interactions.

This article hit a nerve for me. I have to say that I am happier with them. And there certainly is joy. And I am a better person for them in my life.

I just wish I could go on that three hour bike ride this afternoon. . .

*Here is the Michelle Martin NPR show on the story.
**Also check out the reference to the article and its own additions in an Economist article.

European Vacation Travelogue: Day 16, Transatlantic Travel and a Tornado

2010-07-12T19:43:00.000-07:00

So on Day 16 we sadly headed home.

Ten was really looking forward to returning to her best friend and neighbor but the rest of us were quite sad to be leaving and ending the extraordinary trip and special time spent together.

The flight itself, although long, wasn't too bad.

Big and I spent some time playing "hangman" with an interesting twist: He made up the words that I was supposed to guess!

I got to spend some time watching the Temple Grandin movie (played by Claire Danes) which is absolutely fabulous and I highly recommend it.*

We arrived at Chicago O'Hare around 3:00 p.m. expecting to leave around 5:30.

We were fairly exhausted at that point having left our hotel around 10 a.m. Dublin time and arrived at 9:00 p.m. Dublin time.

There was some hint that the airport was having troubles when we heard the luggage guy tell the gal checking the luggage to stop sending luggage back.

!

Our second hint were the hoards of people and the long lines at restaurants and particularly restaurants with alcohol (which, by that time, we were accustomed to at that hour).

Our third hint were the darkening skies and the guy over the loudspeaker saying that the airport was shutting down due to the tornado in the area.

We finally decided to head to a hotel, give up trying to get home that day, and get some rest. As it turned out, we wouldn't be able to leave Chicago until the next afternoon, so we gave in even more and decide to explore the Shedd Aquarium.

It was a great conclusion to our trip even though at the time we only wished we were home.

On the way over we ran into the public sculptures Agora by Magdalena Abakanowicz.
These were an amazing set of seemingly anonymous, yet distinct--each set of legs was different than the other--overlarge legs walking in all directions. It reminded me of the Dave Matthews Band's song Ants Marching.

When I saw her title Agora, I laughed out loud. How perfect.

And then we headed over to the aquarium with the gorgeous Chicago skyline in the background.

*She, by the way, has a TED talk about autism that is also worth your attention.

Big's Observation of the Flower Girl

2010-07-12T09:37:00.000-07:00

So Big is fairly competitive.

We race everywhere. To the car. To the house. To the end of the block. Across the rug (literally).

Today on the way to the YMCA he told me that he observed something about the flower girl that I hadn't.

This came out of nowhere as we haven't really talked about the wedding much lately.

What? I asked.

He responded: I saw that she had SIX moms and no dads.

Me: !

Big: Yeah. I saw them. And I only have TWO moms and no dads. She's lucky.

He miscounted but still. . .

European Vacation Travelogue: Day 15, Kenmare Stone Circle, Blarney and our last (Fresh) Guinness

2010-07-11T18:22:00.001-07:00

We spent the morning of our last day in Ireland in the little "tidy town" of Kenmare.

It is a darling little town and, as usual, we only wish we had had more time there.

Naturally, I had to drag everyone to the Kenmare Stone Circle.

This circle was about five minutes' walk outside of the town and is unique in that it is quite large and has a Dolmen in its center which probably denotes a burial of someone significant.

Of course, the kids, instead of seeing a sacred space, see a megalithic jungle gym.

I should have said something. Stopped them somehow. Somehow explained to them how sacred was the land and rocks on which they stood. But I didn't. A woman with her daughter scolded them and Ten got a little embarrassed about it. We headed back to town for a little window shopping and a cup of coffee.

In town I wandered into "Skyline Gallery" a photography studio featuring artist Eoghan Kavanagh and was immediately struck by the magical photographs of Ireland, none of which were trite or expected.

His wife was at the desk and Big and I wandered around enchanted as she talked to us about her husband's work. He was upstairs talking with other fans of his work.

I just fell in love with one rectangular photograph of an enchanted forest and we ended up taking it home. Our most favorite souvenir from Ireland, other than pictures and memories. The artist explained that the photograph was taken at the Gougane Barra woods near Cork.

Here's a photo of the photographer and his wife.

We added that to our list for the day, on the way to Blarney and took a short detour on the Ring of Beara (another for the "to do list next time", skipping the Ring of Kerry).

The park was amazing. It was situated in a valley and had cliffs jutting out of it with a lake that was carved by glaciers.

The most striking aspect of the park, however, were the trees, particularly the Sitka spruce covered with enchanting moss.

We reluctantly headed out toward Blarney, well aware of the clock today, knowing that the closer we could get back to Dublin, the better off we'd be the next morning.

Kissing the Blarney stone was really Big's idea.

He had heard about kissing this stone, leaning over backwards, and climbing up in some castle from Grandma and would not be thwarted from the plan.

On that particular day, BioMom and Ten and I were all hesitant and could have easily been talked out of this particular tourist trap. The night before I read that the Blarney Stone itself was filthy; British soldiers probably regularly pissed on it as do current disgruntled castle workers. Not to mention lipstick and saliva and all other remnants of a day of tourists lips on a particular spot of a particular stone.

Plus, I had heard that among kids under eight, it is entirely up to the guy helping potential smoochers as to whether or not they can do it.

So it was my greatest fear that we'd head all the way down to Cork, get to Blarney, pay our way in, climb the stairs and Big would be told he couldn't kiss the stone.

We took the risk.

It was really really fun and, despite the touristy schtick, we loved Blarney Castle and the Blarney Stone.

Of course we had to explore the dungeons.

And then headed up the windy stone stairs to the top to kiss the stone.

At the top the helper guy was, in contrast to expectations, very helpful and even welcomed Big to the stone.

Now,he officially has the gift of gab, but to be honest, I can't tell the difference between how much he talked before and after kissing the stone. It is all non-stop!

Oh and don't forget the "murder hole" on the way out!

European Vacation Travelogue: Day 14 The Ring of Kerry and the Skellig Ring

2010-07-10T19:08:00.001-07:00

On Day 14 we headed toward the Ring of Kerry with the hopes of ending up near Cork and, in BioMom's dreams, Kinsale.

This day incorporated both my high and my low of the trip in terms of both expectations and sites.

Basically any guidebook or travel show about Ireland raves about the Ring of Kerry. We did it backwards (not the "long but satisfying day by car from Kenmare" that Rick Steves discusses)* but from Dingle down counterclockwise on the Ring, ultimately to Kenmare but passing first through the Skellig Ring.

It was all very beautiful, no doubt, but compared to the dramatic sights of the Dingle Peninsula, we were (at least at first) somewhat disappointed.

We decided to add on the additional Ring of Skellig to the tip of the Ring of Kerry because of my growing fascination with the Skellig Islands: Little Skellig and Skellig Michael.**

I first noticed the islands from Dingle. They are very distinctive and Gothic, rising up from the sea.

The smaller of the two islands is now a bird sanctuary and World Heritage Site. It is the home to Ireland's largest gannet colony, with 22,500 pairs in 1993. Again, if you look at the pictures, the white is not the natural hue of the rocks. One guidebook says that if you boat out to the islands, Little Skellig looks like it lost the largest pillow fight in history.

The larger of the two islands (Skellig Michael)is a steep rocky island that is estimated to have been founded in the 7th century and became a Celtic monastic settlement. On the island itself, a steep climb of 600 stone steps leads to a small cluster of six "beehive" huts, two oratories and small terraces are located 714 feet above sea level. Historians think that the Skellig Michael community consisted of about 12 monks and an abbot and that they abandoned the harsh life in the 12th century. Here is a short video on the World Heritage Committee site of Skellig Michael.

For obvious reasons, we did not attempt the 8 mile treacherous boat ride that may or may not really get you to the islands during our trip--depending on the weather--and, instead, put getting to Portmagee on our "to do list" for next time and head out to visit the islands.

In real life we did, in fact, stop at Portmagee, grabbed a few sandwiches, and headed up to the tip of the Skellig Ring to relax a bit and catch a view of the Islands.

These views were amazing and again, note the laissez faire attitude of the Irish about falling off sheer cliffs. The warning sign in the picture below was VERY serious.

These cliffs, too, were home to thousands of birds and their nests. See the little white marshmallow-looking things below. Perhaps they are the actual Peep prototypes. Upon close look in real life, you could just barely see them moving when the parent-bird would come back and feed them.

After our lunch, we hopped back into the car and headed toward the second half of the Ring of Kerry which turned out to be much more scenic.

We got to Sneem and decided to step out and regroup after the long day of driving. Could we get to Kinsale?

Really, I just wanted to talk BioMom into getting to Kenmare and relaxing at a B&B while it was still light out for our last "real" night in Ireland.

We talked her into it, sped the 20km to Kenmare and headed out for some pizza and a good night's sleep.

Day 15 would be our last day in Ireland and we had to explore Kenmare, kiss a stone to get the "gift of gab" and get as close to Dublin as we could to catch a noon flight on day 16.

*Check out his videos (here for a short one and here for a longer one) on the Ring of Kerry for some excellent views of the scenery.
**At some point we found out that the term "skellig" means "splinter."

Review of The Kids are All Right

2010-07-09T12:21:00.000-07:00

Check out Lesbian Dad's lovely, insightful and encouraging review of this new film about a lesbian family.

European Vacation Travelogue: Day 13, Connor's Pass and Inch Beach

2010-07-08T21:30:00.000-07:00

So by now you must be wondering, when in the heck is their vacation going to end?

Yes, we were very very spoiled.

Even now, we still had a few days left. . . One that was unplanned and, at the time, unwelcome, but that is a story for a future day.

Today, the story is Inch Beach.

On day 13, BioMom and I enjoyed an hour or two on our own while the kids swam with other kids at the hotel. She had gone over Connor Pass at some point on another trip to Ireland and was nostalgic about it so, we took the opportunity to head up the pass again.

Let's just say that I need to take BioMom to Colorado. She was so impressed with this little "mountain" pass, I had (to be frank) expected more of it! That's not to say it wasn't beautiful, it was. To give you an impression what it is like, you can check out Connor Pass on Youtube and watch videos of people's entire descents on both a bike and in cars (although the car video is entertaining because you can see how narrow the roads are and you can hear a few "dear Gods!"). Here's another bike descent that lasts all of four minutes. Like I said, if BioMom was impressed with this, I'll hafta show her 14,000 foot mountains!

Here's how I would have loved the pass (in addition to heading up with BioMom of course).

Regardless, the views were beautiful and I took a little hike up to a higher point once our car reached the top. Check me out in the bottom picture.

The night before I had been reading the guidebooks and looking at the map when I noticed a little golden finger sticking out into the bay. On the map it was literally about an inch long. I looked closer and then referenced the guidebook and found out that it was called "Inch Beach."

We had to see what that was all about.

So again, we found ourselves grabbing lunch at a local grocery store (this type of dining saved us. Rather then a pub lunch for 30 Euros we spent half as much for food we enjoyed more! Oh, and the kids preferred it because I always picked up a couple of Kinder Surprises for them as well!).

As we approached the beach we knew we were in for something special:

Rows of cars were parked on the beach along with buses advertising surfing lessons. It was hot* and sunny and packed.

We headed down and started wading. Ten, unafraid of freezing temperatures of the North Atlantic, headed right in and at that moment, watching her, I realized that this was a moment of a lifetime and that I had to body surf with her in those amazing, if frigid, waves. And we did. For hours with little breaks in between. And then we talked BioMom into it.

By the end, we were so cold we could barely move our fingers, but it was worth it. Exhilarating and exciting and amazing, Inch beach may have been our highlight.

*Of course, being the beginning of June in Minneapolis when we left, I didn't know from hot. In retrospect, we found out that the temperature, by the end of the day was 23 degrees Celcius and the water, a bone-chilling 14. For a conversion, talk to Cousin who literally knew the formula (5/9 + 32) off the top of her head!

Day 12, Part II: The Dingle Peninsula

2010-07-07T12:18:00.000-07:00

So after actually having seen Fungie, we headed back into Dingle Town for what was described as the best ice cream in Ireland: Murphy's.

I had Sea Salt and Kerry Cream. It was delicious.

Kids content, I talked everyone back into the car to take the Dingle Loop. I was interested not only in the views but of the over 2000 archeological sites that provide physical evidence from the Mesolithic Period, to the Stone age, the Bronze Age, the Iron Age, the early Christian Period, the Vikings and Medieval Period. Here's a great site that provides descriptions of some of these sites.

This can also be done by bike, and while it would be gorgeous and not too terribly long (for an adult), I cannot even imagine how stressed out one feels biking on these tight roads that cling to the cliffy coast. Whoa.

We headed west out of town to the Dun Beg Fort knowing that we had only a couple of stops in us as the kids couldn't wait to get back and swim in the pool a bit..

Dunbeg Fort, is a promontory fort on a sheer cliff that looks South onto Dingle Bay and is at the base of Mount Eagle. It was built in the Iron age and is a series of defensive ramparts and ditches around a central clochan.

The kids didn't get out of the car for this one as it cost a few Euros and I was the only one who seemed to be interested.

After indulging me, we headed on toward the Blasket Islands, skipping the beehive homes.

This was some of the most gorgeous scenery that I have ever seen in my life.

By now you'll have noticed Ten's signature trip pose. I love it, but can already see her 20 year old self cringe at picture after picture of the double-thumbs up. Or maybe she'll look back and giggle, remembering making fun of her middle-aged lesbian mom experiencing the entire Ireland trip through the camera's lens.

I had a signature pose at ten as well. It was something like an "a-okay" sign or and American Sign Language "f" with wink and perhaps even some sort of clicking sound accompanying the whole monstrosity. Ugh.

Heading around the tip of the peninsula we skipped a few more ancient archeological sites that we put on our "to do list" for next time, but stopped at the Kilmalkedar Church, a 12th century structure built by the Normans.

The ruined Romanesque church visible today dates to the first half of the 12th century, and certain features are similar to those found in Cormac's Chapel on the Rock of Cashel in County Tipperary. Also visible on the site are a sundial, large stone cross, and alphabet stone (inside the church near the chancel arch). Some fine stone carving can also be found inside the church.

The site is traditionally associated with St. Branden and there is a little path nearby called "Saint's Way" which leads to a hike up to Branden Peak (another on the "to do list").

We explored the area a bit. Big played hide and seek near this early Celtic Cross.

The Ogham stone with the inscription of "Anm Maile Inbir Maci Brocann" (which apparently is a name) is (at least according to the guidebooks) a place where locals come to "seal the deal". The upright stone is apparently a very famous, and excellent, representation of an Ogham stone from the 7th century.

We tried to "seal the deal", but apparently couples (or interested parties) need to use their thumbs. Maybe this could be viewed as a newer version for gay marriage.

And then we headed back to Dingle for a swim, a pint, and some more World Cup (as usual).

European Vacation Travelogue: Day 12 Part I, Fungie

2010-07-06T19:57:00.000-07:00

So, Dingle Town and the Dingle Peninsula* are amazing and were certainly the highlight of our trip to Ireland. In a sentence, over the course of the few days we spent there, we saw a live dolphin, ancient forts and stone houses, we learned about the potato famine, BioMom and I "sealed the deal" at a 12th century church (and, as it turned out, using our fingers rather than our thumbs, we didn't do it correctly), and we body-surfed in 50 degree Atlantic waves on the largest beach I've ever seen.

On the first day we ventured out to Dingle Town to grab lunch in the harbor.

While BioMom and Ten foraged, Big and I walked to the end of the harbor to see what we could see.

I was very curious about a so-called Dolphin named Fungie that supposedly lived in Dingle and was in every piece of literature on the town that we had ever run across. Needless to say, I was extremely skeptical. There was also a big aquarium in the town and so I thought the whole thing was a tourist trap. So I thought, well, if we took our lunch out to the end of the harbor pier, maybe we'd get a glimpse of him (ha ha ha).

Big and I had one of those magical interactions with a local at the tip of the pier. I'm starting to think they were leprechauns or angels or something, giving us an extra hand just when we needed it.

So we're at the end of a long walk at the end of the pier, wondering if BioMom and Ten will meet us out here with sandwiches when out of nowhere a man stands up and strikes up a conversation with us. I guess he was fishing, but of all of the places in Dingle, he seriously chose one of the most tourist-laden points, not to mention the boats in and out. This is all to say that I have no idea why a local would choose such a spot to fish.

So I start asking questions like what the heck is that building across the harbor?

Oh that? He says. He goes on to tell me that it is a building that was essentially "make-work" during the famine. It lets sailors know where the beginning of the bay is.

I found a bit more about the Eask Tower online. It was built in 1847 and is built entirely of stone. It is crowned with the 19th century's mariners beacon and a World War II look-out post. This is because the mouth of Dingle Harbour is a "blind" mouth, and this beacon told sailors to let their sails down, enabling them to lose speed and to round the harbour mouth safely.

I then asked, tongue-in-cheek really, if we could get a look at this Dolphin.

I may have even exaggerated the word in my mouth a bit to him to be sure he knew that I knew that he knew that I knew that it wasn't real but that we were doing it for the kid wink wink.

In all seriousness, he pointed to this fort that we had noticed from the hotel

and said take a lunch over there to that fort. That's where he lives. You'll see him when a few boats start circling and revving their engines.

Seriously? I thought.

Yes. He read my mind. Apparently this dolphin, Fungie (pron: FOON-GEE) has lived in this entry of the Dingle Harbor for nearly 30 years now and, in contrast to what is known about dolphins living with other dolphins, he seems to prefer the company of humans. Visitors are virtually guaranteed to see him on a visit to Dingle!

So Big and I hurried back to the car and found BioMom and Ten and urged them to follow the suggestion of the man-of-the-sea we had just met.

Reluctantly, they got back into the car, lunch in hand, and we drove out a bit out of town to what barely constituted a road that lead to a not-very-clean beach, but a walking path to the fort. There we had our picnic and waited.

And waited and waited. And yes, that was the weather. In Ireland. Needless to say, waiting was NOT a problem.

And then, we saw him.

I'm going to sign off for now and report about the rest of Day 12 tomorrow.

*Rick Steves has a pretty great description of the area in a Smithsonian article that is available online. Check it out if you're interested.

European Vacation Travelogue: Day 11, Going to Dingle Via Doolin, Inisheer and the Cliffs of Moher

2010-07-05T19:02:00.000-07:00

On the eleventh day we ventured away from Galway on what would end up being an epic journey to Dingle.

We were following (in reverse) the ghosts of my other brother who had also left the wedding to do a little southern travel, but who was leaving for the States a few days earlier than us. They highly recommended the Cliffs of Moher and in that travel-induced excitement that one gets ("we might never be here again!!") we subjected ourselves to a whirl-wind tour of part of Clare County's vivacious and breath-taking coast.

As we headed away from Galway and into the Burren, the dramatic cliffs on our right tumbled into Galway Bay. It was breathtaking and only a hint of what was to come in the days ahead.

I was a bit disturbed to see cars parked on the left hand side of the already not-very-wide road and wondered what people were doing. Here's a photo of the fishermen on the cliffs.

We didn't have time to stop and explore the Burren, to my great chagrin. Nor did I get any pictures for you, but please check out the link above. This part of the country is incredibly stark, and intimidating and even a bit ghostly. The guidebooks use words like "the moon" or "moonrocks" and that is also an apt way to describe these limestone hills that cover the region.

Throughout Ireland there are "ways" or long hikes through regions and the Burren was no different. There were maps for great walks through the Burren. The area is a "karst" landscape shaped by the dissolution of a layer or layers of soluble bedrock, usually carbonate rock such as limestone or dolomite. I put exploration of this area, with its ancient stone monuments and subterranean caves on my "to-do list" for the next time I am in Western Ireland.

We were heading toward a little town called Doolin which we heard was a great town to visit, have a pint at O'Connor's Pub, and get a boat tour of the Cliffs of Moher.

My brother and his wife had recommended the boat tour of the cliffs and we jumped on the idea. While in Galway, we explored the idea of taking a ship out to visit one of the Aran Islands, in particular Inishmore. We thought the kids would get a kick out of the boat ride and there is an incredible stone fort, Dun Aengus, at its western edge. The fort consists of three irregular semicircles, each a line of defense. Aside from the walls, one mode of defense is a band of stones set in the ground. Called a chevaux-de-frise, the stones are closely packed, set at an angle and intended to thwart an attack up the slope. And the view from the top of the parapet is supposedly stunning. "To the west is the expanse of the ocean to the horizon and 3000 miles beyond to North America. To the east is a moonscape, the rock strewn slope the walker must traverse and beyond, the openness of Inishmore and the stones of Aran everywhere."

But we were WAY to afraid to go. Check out Rick Steve's pictures of people hanging over the cliff to get a good look at the scenery.

With Big being, well, a spaz, and Ten being well, klutzy, and Ireland being, well, accident-prevention-challenged, we figured we couldn't afford to loose either of them.

All of this is to say that we had the same fears of the Cliffs of Moher (as Liz mentioned in her comment on an earlier post -- Hi Liz! Are you two coming out for the Minneapolis Marathon this fall?). My little guidebook had the following tidbit:
"From the car park and visitor center a stone walkway leads out to the cliffs, where you can continue on a short walk pretty darn near the edge, looking south to the cliffs themselves and out at the glittering sea. It's not wise to hop the railings, as tourists have been blown off the edge."

Yes. That read TOURISTS HAVE BEEN BLOWN OFF THE EDGE!!!

I did a quick Google search concerning this rather marginal comment over coffee with Cousin and found the following factoids:
1. The Cliffs of Moher are The Cliffs of Insanity from the movie The Princess Bride.
2. The same writer made the following comment: Nowadays you CAN reach the edge if you climb over some of the obstacles they have put up to stop you. You can also be blown off of them or have the ground crumble beneath your feet, plunging you a thousand feet to your death on the rocks below where other tourists will be able to take snapshots of your corpse for a few days.
3. I can't get a straight answer about how many people have actually been blown off. Apparently Ireland doesn't keep records of such tragedies.

Having said all of this, we head to the pier from Doolin to explore the possibility of seeing the cliffs from below.

A ship captain lets us know that despite the fact that we just missed one tour of the cliffs and would have to wait a couple of hours for the next one, he could get is on a boat "right away"!

This was the worst weather day we had had (and would ever have in Ireland), so we went back to grab our raincoats and water, and were told to meet at the boat.

It wasn't until it was departing that the captain told us that our tour of the cliffs would begin AFTER we had toured Inisheer Island and then boarded a different boat, Tranquility, from the island.

Normally we would have thought no big deal. But with Big, we knew we had limited time and energy on a cramped little boat looking at extraordinary scenery.* So we felt a bit bamboozled but tried to make up for it by enjoying a short hike around Inisheer and an ice cream.

After the island we headed toward the Cliffs of Moher.

They were extraordinary.

They rose out of the Atlantic and on this particular day had a halo of clouds covering their green tops. It was haunting.

But most haunting of all was one particular jagged protrusion that was home to thousands of birds. According to Wikipeda "there are many animals living on the cliffs. Most of these are birds, with an estimated 30,000 birds from 29 species. These include the noted Atlantic Puffins, which live in large colonies at isolated parts of the cliffs and on the small Goat Island. Also present are hawks, gulls, guillemots, shags, ravens and choughs."

Here are a few pictures. I tried to get some close-ups of the birds as well as a video to capture the sights and sounds, but the boat motor is basically all that you can hear.

Needless to say, the white strips on the outcropping are not a natural phenomenon.

We headed out after the trip to explore Doolin a bit
and then to skedaddle down to a coastal town near Kilrush where we thankfully caught a ferry and saved a few hours to get to our destiny: Dingle.

*At one point on the trip (we happened to be at the Westernmost part of Europe on the Dingle peninsula looking over the most extraordinary cliffs and beaches that you'll ever see), Ten breaks away from the Nintendo DS to tell us that she's "sick of hearing that she'll never see 'fill in the blank' again!"

European Travelogue, Independence Day Edition: Day 10, another Tra (Beach) near Galway

2010-07-04T14:05:00.000-07:00

We were blown away by the weather while we were in Ireland. It was sunny and warm. People were flooding the beaches.

On our second full day in Galway we took it slow again, this time heading west to Barna on a hunch from a friendly local,* to find a nice beach, some enchanting wooded hike and lunch at a blue restaurant on a pier.

Along the way we stopped to enjoy some of the gorgeous, authentic rock walls along the seaside.

In this picture you can see the sea and just a bit of the Aran Islands on the top right.

Here is the rocky side of the beach.

We quickly found the signs for "Tra" and the tell-tale yellow buildings indicating an actual sandy beach in which people would swim, sun, and generally relax. We were struck by the stereotypical Irish lifestyle: slow, calm, not rushing, no hurry. A friend of mine's long-time partner is Irish and was a professor at George Mason University while I was at American during graduate school. She once told me that the Irish work to live while we live to work. I was struck by that then, and we experienced it first-hand with the Bride's family and at every restaurant where the wait staff take it nice and easy (which was mostly good, except if we had waited too long with the kids to eat).

At this beach, Big made friends with a couple of little boys who were picking up the jellyfish that had washed up on shore and were throwing them back into the sea. We loved dissecting them and flipping them over to see their gooey undersides.

Behind the Tra, the kids and I hiked up the cliff to get a better view.

You could see the blue restaurant where we had planned to grab lunch at the "peak". That and the little hike was enough to whet our appetite!

The place was perfect. Gorgeous. On the pier with a bit of outdoor seating and excellent fish. I'm not sure the kids loved it, but we enjoyed our Smithwick's and chowder, and the view. It looked darling inside and I suspect is a world-class restaurant with a very romantic ambiance.

Notice the yellow sign by BioMom. This was literally the only warning sign we saw on the entire trip. And this wasn't a particularly dangerous spot! I mean sure, were you to drive over that edge you weren't getting your car back, but that was the LEAST of my worries on most of those near-single-lane roads.

After lunch we headed to the Barna Woods for a hike in an enchanted forest.

*We had a few magical moments with local Irish people (our new family included). This was one of them. A grandma on a beach with her grandkids playing with ours. A few more of these encounters will come up in days to come. In retrospect, these chance meetings seemed somehow like fate giving us nudges as to how to spend our time.

European Vacation Travelogue: Day 9, Galway

2010-07-03T06:32:00.000-07:00

We were a bit tired this day after travelling, so committed ourselves to a slow day. We went into Galway,

hung out at the park

and walked up and down the pedestrian street enjoying the street musicians and artists,

window shopping, enjoying some ice cream cones and ended up at the Spanish Arch.

It turns out that BioMom's ancestors (with the original spelling of their name) are one of the 12 tribes of Galway, so while wandering the town we found a darling little lane devoted to them.

This Camp Would Suck Without This Song

2010-07-03T06:11:00.001-07:00

Here's a short hiatus from the description of our travels, to give you a brief update of our summer life.

So BioMom and I discovered that we are total nerds when it comes to pop music.

This past week Ten was in a little camp devoted to kids music and dance and the theme was Glee.

Riding home on the first day she started singing lyrics that harkened back to seventh grade mixers: ". . . livin' in a lonely world. . . He took the midnight train goin' an-ny-where!" and "Can't you see me here, I've got my back against the record machine.. . . I ain't the worst that you've seen, can't you see what I mean?"

I kinda blew her away downloading the real songs instantly for us to enjoy.

Well, probably not "blew" away since she's known digital music since birth and has never had to go to a record store to purchase an "album".

Anyway, then we got to the last song: "My life would suck without you" by Kelly Clarkson.

Me: Did you just say "suck"?

Ten: Yes.

Ten: Mom knows this song, it's okay.

Me to BioMom: Did you know they are singing "My life would suck without you?" in that camp?

BioMom a few days later in the car to camp, to Ten: You know that Grandma and Grandma are going to your show, right?

Ten: Really! Great!!

BioMom: I hope they don't hear that song with "suck" in it!

Ten: Really? Why?

BioMom: Well, I'm kind of embarrassed. "Suck" isn't strictly speaking a cuss word, but it is not a particularly nice word, and is certainly not a good word for kids to be saying. And I am sure that Grandma and Grandpa will think so too.

Ten: Well it's a song on the radio and it goes with the show. I think it's fine.

So that's that. Are we nerds or is it all just fine? I get it why Kelly Clarkson would sing the song, sort of. It definitely gets attention, even if it is not one of her best songs. I'm sure parents all over cringe upon hearing their kids scream "SUCK!" while singing along. Nothing like creating a song that kids will purchase simply for the rebellion factor.

I get that, and it is kinda funny.

I also get the rebellion factor itself.

That's funny too.

But the camp using the song? It WAS on Glee, but Glee isn't exactly for kids. Did they HAVE to use the exact same songs? Could they have exercised some creative license?

European Vacation Travelogue: Day 8, Dublin and the West Coast or Bust!

2010-07-02T15:44:00.000-07:00

After walking to a bus stop and gratefully handing my brother seven Euros to take the bus to the airport rather than having me spend two or three precious hours navigating the roads of Dublin, we headed down to Trinity College to see the Book of Kells.

We were all interested, the kids in particular after having seen the movie The Secret of Kells, and it was fascinating. We had little time (due to the short attention span of some members of the group) but what I saw was amazing and deserved several hours of consideration.

It also happened to be the Bloomsday celebration in Dublin!

Afterwards we headed Westward to Galway where a small beach resort (Salt Hill), a nice hotel and a sandy beach (with 50 degree saltwater) awaited. We stayed at this great beachside resort, right next to a cheesy little amusement park. It was clearly a getaway place for Dubliners because there were families there galore with kids running around in swimsuits, taking advantage of the great buffet breakfast with mini chocolate croissants and unlimited cereal. It was lovely. As usual we partook in beers and roomservice, catching a bit of the World Cup wherever we could.

European Vacation Travelogue: Day 7, Transition Day, Getting Brother Back to Dublin

2010-06-30T06:36:00.001-07:00

On the seventh day we left Omagh and headed to Dublin to spend an evening and drop of my brother at the airport. The road was easy and the day was lovely.

Once in Dublin, we splurged for a nice hotel right off of the pedestrian street, Grafton, so that we could enjoy St. Stephen's Green and Grafton Street for an entire evening.

Lastly, check out this little video which pretty much captures the moment.

European Vacation Travelogue: Day 6, Giants Causeway, Rope Bridge Dunluce Catle

2010-06-29T13:13:00.001-07:00

Both BioMom and I had been to Ireland in past lives, but neither of us had been to Northern Ireland.

About ten years ago, just before I was really ready to be on the job market, I went to the University of Ireland-Galway to interview for an instructorship position. Ultimately I both didn't get it and I chickened out. I had heard that if you accept a position overseas it is really difficult to get back to the states, so to speak. At the time, I was just not ready to make such a permanent decision.

All of this is to say that we had never been to any major city in the North (Belfast or Derry, for example) or any major tourist attraction, so we welcomed the trip to Giant's Causeway.

According to Wikipedia: The Giant's Causeway (Irish: Clochán an Aifir or Clochán na bhFómharach)[1] is an area of about 40,000 interlocking basalt columns, the result of an ancient volcanic eruption. It is located in County Antrim, on the northeast coast of Northern Ireland, about two miles (3 km) north of the town of Bushmills. It was declared a World Heritage Site by UNESCO in 1986, and a National Nature Reserve in 1987 by the Department of the Environment for Northern Ireland. In a 2005 poll of Radio Times readers, the Giant's Causeway was named as the fourth greatest natural wonder in the United Kingdom. The tops of the columns form stepping stones that lead from the cliff foot and disappear under the sea. Most of the columns are hexagonal, although there are also some with four, five, seven and eight sides. The tallest are about 12 metres (36 ft) high, and the solidified lava in the cliffs is 28 metres thick in places.

These facts are not nearly as interesting as the legends created around the causeway:
Legend has it that the Irish warrior Fionn mac Cumhaill (Finn McCool) built the causeway to walk to Scotland to fight his Scottish counterpart Benandonner. One version of the legend tells that Fionn fell asleep before he got to Scotland. When he did not arrive, the much larger Benandonner crossed the bridge looking for him. To protect Fionn, his wife Oonagh laid a blanket over him so he could pretend that he was actually their baby son. In a variation, Fionn fled after seeing Benandonner's great bulk, and asked his wife to disguise him as the baby. In both versions, when Benandonner saw the size of the 'infant', he assumed the alleged father, Fionn, must be gigantic indeed. Therefore, Benandonner fled home in terror, ripping up the Causeway in case he was followed by Fionn.[citation needed]

Another variation is that Oonagh painted a rock shaped like a steak and gave it to Benandonner, whilst giving the baby (Fionn) a normal steak. When Benandonner saw that the baby was able to eat it so easily, he ran away, tearing up the causeway.[citation needed]

Another version of the legend was that Fionn had spent many days and nights trying to create a bridge to Scotland because he was challenged by another giant. A fellow boatsman told him that the opponent was much larger than he. Fionn told his wife and she came up with an ingenious plan to dress Fionn like a baby. They spent many nights creating a costume and bed. When the opponent came to Fionn's house; Fionn's wife told him that Fionn was out woodcutting and the opponent would have to wait for him to return. Then Fionn's wife showed him her baby and when the opponent saw him he was terrified at the thought of how huge Fionn would be. He ran back to Scotland and threw random stones from the causeway into the waters bellow.

The "causeway" legend corresponds with geological history in as much as there are similar basalt formations (a part of the same ancient lava flow) at the site of Fingal's Cave on the isle of Staffa in Scotland.

Here are a few pictures of us exploring the amazing rocks. This tourist attraction was the first of many that BioMom and I noted the degree to which the Irish Government does not restrict access in order to (attempt) to keep tourists safe. You could literally walk out to the edge of the sea which could come up over the rocks forcefully and unexpectantly, perhaps surprising an unsuspecting tourist who could then slip into the icy waters. There were signs of warning, but no restrictions whatsoever.

After the causeway, we had a quick lunch (fish and chips, Guinness and a bit of the World Cup) at The Nook, and then it was on to the Carrick-a-rede-rope bridge (which was thankfully closed) and then to the Dunluce Castle.

The rope bridge is a rope suspension bridge near Ballintoy, County Antrim, Northern Ireland. The bridge links the mainland to the tiny Carrick Island. It spans twenty metres and is thirty metres above the rocks below.

Dunluce Castle was one of the most intact and ancient castles I've ever seen. Although it was closed by the time we got there, Ten and I went below the castle and explored the watery dungeons.

European Vacation Travelogue: Day 5, Relax and Tour Omagh's Surroundings

2010-06-28T06:06:00.000-07:00

We slowed down a bit on Day 5.

The new father-in-law took us on a driving tour of Omagh's surrounding forests and vistas. This included one called "magnetic hill" in which an optical illusion made it look like a car in neutral was going up a hill. Strange.

Mainly pictures for you today.

European Vacation Travelogue: Day 4, Ballyshannon, Donegal and Drumskinny

2010-06-27T05:54:00.000-07:00

The day after the wedding we all woke up quite late (11) but it felt like 8 so we were all quite discombobulated. The light there is strange, like Alaska I suppose, not quite getting dark, and never quite seeing full sun. The reception was on the bottom of Loch Erne and a "quick drive" around the Loch led to Belleek (a little china maker who produces the little shamrock pottery which all members of my family collect*) and Ballyshannon.

My grandpa is from Ballyshannon Ireland.

I never met him, and have heard only a few stories about him, most of them from Cousin's mom. He died when she was 11.

After Bellek, we headed over to Ballyshannon to check out grandpa's digs.

A few years ago, my brother visited Ballyshannon and went to the Courthouse to see if he could find any information about our grandpa. Apparently the name John Francis Burke is like John Smith here, so there were a kagillion of them.

We went on to get a glimpse of the rugged West Coast at Donegal and spent the afternoon snacking and wandering through the city.

On the way back to Omagh I saw a sign for the Drumskinny Stone Circle.

I'm a nut for these ancient druid circles that are scattered across the country.

"There are approximately 1,000 stone circles and 80 stone henges in Britain and Ireland.[2] The French archaeologist Jean-Pierre Mohen in his book Le Monde des Megalithes says: "British Isles megalithism is outstanding in the abundance of standing stones, and the variety of circular architectural complexes of which they formed a part...strikingly original, they have no equivalent elsewhere in Europe — strongly supporting the argument that the builders were independent."

At about the third one that I demanded we go out of our way to see, Ten wondered why these were so interesting to me. It's hard to explain why the existence of intelligent life three or four thousand years ago is so fascinating to a ten year old.

*Cousin and Cousin's Mom: Yes! I got you both small toys!!

European Vacation Travelogue: Day 3, The Wedding

2010-06-26T18:25:00.000-07:00

So our one major regret of the entire trip is not getting there a few days sooner.

Unbeknown to us, Irish weddings are preceded by days of late night parties including friends and family celebrating with music and drink, getting to know each other, and generally getting ready for the big event. Not only would this have been fun, but also Big would have gotten to know some people and been more comfortable in his role as Pageboy in the wedding.

As it turned out, he was jetlagged and slept until 11:15, not really ready for a 12:00 wedding.

Here is my brother and his two sons (the redhead was the groom) getting ready for the wedding.

Here is Big playing a little "football" before the wedding.

Once there, he refused to engage with the flower girl, but enjoyed climbing around the church wall.

He did agree to walk down the aisle (not with the flower girl), but refused to be in any formal pictures.

It was a gorgeous wedding. Ten gave a reading:

And the bride and groom (and big) were off!

An hour or so later so were we to Enniskillin for the reception at the Killyhevlin Hotel.

It was lovely.
Here is my brother and the kids feeding the ducks in the river. We stayed in a little chalet that night so that no one drove after the reception.

And an amateur photo of everyone at the wedding.

Be prepared for day three and my first attempt at creating my own map with Google Maps!

European Vacation Travelogue: Days 1 & 2, Getting There

2010-06-25T13:17:00.000-07:00

Hello! We're back!

And... This is my 1001th post over the course of about five and a half years.

Anyway, I plan on telling you little by little about out trip with pictures and words over the next few days.

Let me say first and foremost, however, the kids did great. Absolutely fantastic. We had a few flareups, of course, but really no more than we would have had at home, and certainly no less than expected, given how much time the four of us spent together.

Also, let me say that we took nearly all of the advice offered to us in terms of helping the kids cross the Atlantic and while we used ALL of the tricks over the course of the two weeks while flying, eating out at pubs, and driving (a lot), the three indispensable items were as follows (in no particular order):
1. Suckers: three kinds.
2. Wrapped nonsense presents from Grandma (which may or may not have been broken and which often caused fights after-the-fact, but the anticipation for the wrapped presents helped so much).
3. Nintendo DS's (which I purchased at a major local retailer somewhat reluctantly, and spent WAY too much money on in terms of acquiring two and outfitting them. We weren't sure how they could possibly be worth it, but they allowed us to avoid hours of are-we-theres-yet while traversing the country).

So, here we go, the trip in words and pictures!

Here's our first flight: Minneapolis to Chicago.

It turns out that that flight was one of Big's worst moments in the entire trip and we get one of the best quotes from BioMom of the entire two weeks. Toward the end of the flight Big started kicking and pestering the seat in front of him, severely annoying the passenger in the seat. BioMom couldn't get him to stop freaking out and they battled all the way to O'Hare. We step off the plane and start heading out of the domestic gates area toward an extremely long security line and a three hour wait for the long flight and BioMom looks over at me (I can still see the gate we just came from, mind you, if I look over my shoulders) and says "I'm emotionally and physically SPENT!" with a sort of implication that she'd be of no help in the impending future of dealing with Big.

I thought to myself: Holy shit, we've just taken ten steps into our climb of Mt. Everest and I've already lost half of my SHERPA's and my oxygen tanks!!

This is my family, plugged in and satisfied during our three hour layover. Big's watching an episode of Batman on my iPhone, Ten is listening to music and BioMom is crackberrying.

Meeting up with my Brother. . .

Here we are exhausted but alive and well in Dublin. About to embark on a left-hand-sided drive to Omagh* (the fiance's hometown in Northern Ireland)! Notice the sucker in Big's mouth and the eye-cover on Ten's forehead-a first gift from Grandma.

*Omagh came into the international focus of the media on 15 August 1998, when the Real Irish Republican Army exploded a car bomb in the town centre. 29 people were killed in the blast — 14 women (including one pregnant with twins), 9 children and 6 men. Hundreds more were injured as a result of the blast.

Cousin Luv

2010-06-18T15:49:00.000-07:00

Because BlogAuthor loves her cherries and is out of the country, here is the 1st of many cherry harvests...

Not to mention the Cousin kids claim that they've never had cherry pie!! We expect cherry pie and homemade vanilla ice cream as soon as you are back!!

XXOO,
Cousin, Q and L

Until Two Weeks...

2010-06-08T08:47:00.000-07:00

I'll be back in two weeks with updates and gossip about it all!

In Search of Summer Part III

2010-06-07T19:43:00.000-07:00

Cousin's Family Before Cousin

2010-06-07T19:35:00.001-07:00

Cousin's Mom's (Aunt on my Mom's side) old house is up for sale and she and one of Cousin's brother's went for the open house this past weekend and snapped a picture of this little tidbit. What great concrete.

The Start of Summer: Officially

2010-06-05T07:48:00.000-07:00

So yesterday Nine finished her fourth grade year, and the day before, Big finished his first year of preschool.

We are officially in summer mode.

Its funny about transitions. I think we all stress about them until the moment they happen, somehow. Now, suddenly, I am happy that they are home and we have time and we have the chance to spend some down-time together. That we can afford to have one parent at home with them so that no schedule needs to be adhered to.

Big and I spent the day together yesterday and it felt a little like pre-preschool where we spent most days together. It was really only the morning, because we picked up Nine at noon, but so nice to slow down together.

We're enjoing some bagels this morning and coffee and a little video that we found yesterday at the library. It is cloudy and cool. We have nowhere to be.

I think we're ready for Ireland. I've taken ALL of your suggestions: workbooks, suckers, no dvd player but dvd's in case we can ever find one or someone's computer on which to play them. Snacks -- nuts, dried fruit, ovaltine (!). And lots of talk about what to expect.

I didn't mention that we're flying with my relatively high maintenance brother. Any suggestions for him?

I'm hoping to blog a bit during our trip, to keep a record, but I may have to post it all upon our return, pictures and all.

Headline: Obama Quietly Expands Same-Sex Benefits

2010-06-03T09:35:00.000-07:00

From the AP:
President Obama signed a memo expanding the rights of same-sex federal workers on Wednesday evening. "While this memorandum is an important step on the path to equality, my administration continues to be prevented by existing Federal law from providing same-sex domestic partners with the full range of benefits enjoyed by heterosexual married couples," he said. Last year, Obama ordered basic rights extended to same-sex couples including visitation and dependent-care rights. At that time, he asked federal agencies to determine what additional benefits he could provide without Congress acting, and the new rights ordered on Wednesday were a result of that review. "They include child-care services and subsidies; more flexibility to use family leave to attend to the needs of domestic partners and their children; relocation benefits; giving domestic partners the same status as 'family members' when federal appointments are made; and access to credit union and other memberships when those are provided to federal workers," the Associated Press summarized. The New York Times called the new package of benefits "modest," but they're certainly a step forward for gay rights. In the memo, Obama regretted that it wasn't within his power to extend full health care benefits, which is the ultimate goal of most gay activists, though he did call on Congress to act. "The limitations of these new benefits however serve as a glaring reminder that the Defense of Marriage Act ultimately stands in the way of providing true equality to LGBT Americans," president of the Human Rights Campaign Joe Solmonese wrote in a statement, according to the Advocate, a gay-news Web site.

In Search of Summer

2010-06-01T20:26:00.000-07:00

City Farm Girl alerted me to another blog that is documenting people's search for summer.

Here was our first taste of summer in Minneapolis! (And check out yawning guy in second picture... Must have been PRE home-run/fireworks!)

June 1: Changes Approach

2010-06-01T20:00:00.001-07:00

In a few days both kids will be off for the summer.

I have a few weeks in between the end of my courses and the end of theirs in which I usually stop for a bit. Tie up some loose academic ends. Read a novel. Mark the progression of the kids, ending another year of preschool and gradeschool. A little interim for me between the distinct stages of my year. Biomom always says that her year doesn't change. It doesn't really start or end (other than the beginning that coincides with the calendar). She goes to work every day. No new backpack for the start of school in September, or big letdown in December and May after finals.

This spring has been that and more for me. I've started a few new projects (my first firsts since Big was born) and I've run one half marathon and prepared for the next one (this coming Sunday) and am preparing for Cousin's impending move.

Did I mention that she's moving? Yeah. They were here for a year.

A really serendipitous year; one that I really needed her here for and one in which I seriously took advantage.

I just finished Anna Quindlen's new novel Every Last One.

I had only read One True Thing, of her's and haven't really sought out her work, other than running across her column The Last Word in Newsweek at the doctor's office occasionally. Her style is soft and easy. Filled with zinger one-liners that really capture a feeling or a moment. Sort of like watching an hour drama on Sunday's on NBC. But you get used to it, and I came to appreciate the profundity of some of her zingers.

I thought about repeating a few of them here for you now, but out of context it seems silly.

But the book was just what I needed right now. It's a tragedy. It's sad. But she is such a graceful and loving author that you can't help but love the characters, their complexity, and the universality of her experience (the main character's now) as a parent and someone in grief.

It's not for everyone, but if you need a little cathartic help, pick it up.

Are Kids Really Good at Multitasking?

2010-05-27T08:26:00.000-07:00

So Ten and I work on math every morning for a few minutes.

She will often hum, or tap her feet, or try to carry on a conversation with me while doing a few math problems.

And sometimes Big will come downstairs and try to get my attention, or demand breakfast or something.

I will regularly correct Ten and try to get her to focus on one thing at a time.

That is sort of my thing right now, trying to maintain presence and focus on whatever is at hand (even as I write this, however, I've got about six windows open on my computer, and my cell phone is playing music to my left. At least I've given up IMing.).

Already though, Ten has tried to make the argument to me that she does math better if she's humming, or doing other things.

Of course, her time and her scores don't show this, but kids aren't convinced by evidence, anecdotal or otherwise.

Check out this video on multitasking the next time you try doing ten things at once, or watch your pre-teen in action.

Before After

2010-05-25T09:43:00.001-07:00

These are depictions of himself that Big drew in September of 2009 and then in May of 2010. The left picture is the newer one, the right done in the fall.

Tons of research discusses the relationships between a kid's psyche, maturity, etc. etc. and their drawings. Particularly their drawings of people.

I can't see much in these drawings other than a year of major change for our young man. He's still crazy and gets really wild when he's exhausted, but he is a different person now after a year of preschool.

Insanity

2010-05-24T09:57:00.001-07:00

So in a couple of weeks we (the four of us in all of our glory) are going to Ireland for my nephew's Big Fat Irish Wedding.

Two recent things that I have seen/witnessed create a tight metaphor for our plan to do this:
1. During the half marathon that Cousin and I ran a few weeks ago, there was a sign at about mile 9 that read "This seemed like a good idea three months ago!"
and
2. For any of you who watch Modern Family, you'll remember the line on a recent episode in which Claire responded to a question about how great their family vacation to Hawaii was going to be: "I'm a mother of three" she said "This is a BUSINESS TRIP!"

Of course, I'm excited to go to Ireland, to see the wedding, to have a family vacation, blah blah blah.

But I can't wrap my head around getting the four of us across that ocean.

Particularly Big.

So we're stocking up on small snacks, books, toys, things to do. We're talking about it. We're considering medication.

I kid.

Anyway, all tips, thoughts, ideas, recommendations are really, really welcome.

Oh, and insanity act number 2? I just signed up for a second half marathon.

When?

Two days before Ireland.

Two New Blogs

2010-05-24T09:50:00.000-07:00

So I'm supposed to be using these precious few moments between the end of the semester and the beginning of the summer (with kids -- i.e. when school lets out) to be working and focusing on my research, but I'm distracted.

Here are two new (to me) blogs that I can't believe I haven't noticed before!

Life with the Kid
and
Middle Aged Queer Mom

Enjoy!

Eenie Meenie Minie Mo

2010-05-17T18:16:00.000-07:00

So tonight we were engaging in a little game of family Crazy Eights after dinner.

BioMom had this Back To The Future moment thinking about how this past January we played Canasta with her parents night after night during our little Florida getaway, and then projecting into the future, thinking about how we might be able to play with our kids.

Anyway, in the middle of it, I recognized that little gleam in Ten's eye that tells us that she needed (needs, will need soon) to go #2.

Me: Do you need to go [#2]?

She: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Flabbergasted and appalled at the mere question!)

But this conversation reminded Big that he, did, indeed, have to go #2, in fact.

He got distracted along the way, however, and returned to essentially auction off the right to, well, to wipe him afterward.

He comes out pointing back and forth with his little finger: Eenie, meenie, miny, mo! BioMom and I hoping, each of us, that "My Mama said that you. Are. The. Very. Best. One." won't land on us.

Blueberry Girl

2010-05-12T18:31:00.001-07:00

Check out this narration of a great book by Neil Gaiman.

No Girls Allowed

2010-05-11T12:52:00.000-07:00

So today Big came downstairs to get dressed for school and have breakfast, etc. All the things one does in the morning.

As we were getting his shoes on he told me that he needed a sign for his door (to his room) that said: "NO GIRLS ALLOWED."

Then he went on to say that essentially the rule applied to all girls EXCEPT cousin's girl.

I nodded.

And, [Ten].

Yes, of course, I said.

And Sidekick's sister.

Right.

And, all the girls that go to [his] school.

Basically, he said, it was for all the girls he didn't know.

I wondered, aloud, how concerned he was that all these girls he didn't know were going to gather around his room, seeking entrance.

A Great Video on Asperger's

2010-05-10T08:31:00.000-07:00

Cathryn over at Yogurt and Granola shared this video and I thought I'd share it with you. It is amazing.

Enough about Me, Can we Talk about Me Now?: The Nuances of Language

2010-05-04T08:52:00.001-07:00

So yesterday after school I asked Ten what everyone thought about her race the other day.

Her response: No one asked.

At first my reaction was again this notion of how self-centered kids are.

But then I realized that she meant exactly what she said and had no concerns whatsoever about it. What she meant (in adult speak) was that it was really a non-issue. She didn't think to tell people, and people didn't, subsequently, respond.

Camp Du Nord (Again)

2010-05-03T07:43:00.000-07:00

This summer we are heading up to Camp Du Nord again.

We got #$%@ed on the lottery and so got the last week of the summer.

Which, now that I think of it, isn't so bad because I miss our college meeting which is usually a snore-fest.

Anyway, Cousin just pointed me to a review of the camp in the local rag.

The author is dead on.

A Global Mosaic and a Half Marathon

2010-05-02T17:57:00.001-07:00

So today at 11 a.m. central time I participated in A Global Mosaic by taking a picture of where I was and then posting it at the New York Times. Check out the pictures from today(they intend to post all submissions)*.

I happened to have just finished a half marathon in La Crosse, WI, only a few minutes behind Cousin.

Yes, Cousin rocked it.

I sort of ran out of any extra energy at mile 10 and finished in 2 hours and 14 minutes. Our goal was to be under 2 hours and 10 minutes -- she made it! 2:08!!

I was doing fine and not in any real pain, but I just didn't have the oomph to pick it up for those last three miles.

The kids also participated in some 100m dashes!

*This is an early summary of the more than 10,000 pictures they received: So far, that portrait seems to be one of surprising tranquillity. No one has to tell readers of The Times, or just about anyone else, how upended and violent the world seems to be at the moment. But our respondents tended to show moments of repose, rather than anxiety; of warmth, rather than heat. It may not constitute a “realistic” view of the human condition, but it does offer something of a balance to the images of suffering and destruction that are more often a staple of the Lens blog.

Free Range Climbing Wall

2010-04-26T18:26:00.000-07:00

Words

2010-04-25T18:56:00.000-07:00

David Foster Wallace is my "meat and potatoes" reading. I've been trying to get through Infinite Jest now for a while, but his essays are a bit more easily consumed when you've got only a small amount of time. In any case, the words that he circled in his dictionary are illuminating.

Ten is an excellent reader and we rarely have to prod her away from the television toward the written word but the other day when I saw her checking out a stack of "trash" from the library (for the third time) I decided that it was time for an intervention. I used the "meat-and-potatoes" analogy and followed it up with the healthy food/exercise/dessert analogy. Fortunately, in the realm of reading she does enough exercise that a little candy is fine as long as she's also checking out some Newbery Award Winners.

Free Range Kids: Part IV - $2.02 in Change

2010-04-24T19:37:00.000-07:00

So today Big, Ten and I were heading to the park via the local hardware store.

I was picking up some nuts and bolts for the climbing wall I'm building. As an aside, I was noticing Big climbing on everything and craving swing sets with parts that required climbing and pulling and all-things-arms which our swingset was lacking so I picked up a few ropes and a bar with rings etc. And now the climbing wall.

Anyway, so I was getting out of the car and heading into the store when I realized that I had a good Free Range Kid moment at hand. The little family-owned hardware store is adjacent to a little (same family-owned) grocery store that has very modest amounts of candy that Big and Ten have enjoyed before. I sent them in with what I thought was $2 but was in fact $3 with a request of my own type of candy (a Laffy-Taffy) and my desire that they keep their choices modest. Then I went in to get my nuts and bolts next door.

A few minutes later they found me at the back pondering size, shape and threading, happily opening their candies, delivering mine as well as $2.02 in change, a penny of which Big promptly pocketed for his collection.

They were absolutely fine and clearly LOVED the freedom and trust that they both earned and deserved.

An Early (and Often) Spring

2010-04-24T12:04:00.000-07:00

This is the cherry tree I planted about five years ago. It blooms beautifully and produces delicious sour cherries in June (usually -- maybe this year they'll be early).

Field Trip With Big

2010-04-22T06:13:00.001-07:00

My schedule is fairly flexible this semester, so I was able to go on a school field trip with Big to a little farm in St. Paul.

The gal who gave us the tour should not be working with kids. Despite their nearly perfect behavior, she was a crab, constantly telling them what not to do.

Next Best Thing to a Puppy

2010-04-19T09:48:00.001-07:00

We spoiled Big this weekend.

If you don't already know this about me, I love biking. I love road biking, mountain biking, casual biking, any biking.

And Big's picked up this habit from me. He's loved wheels and been on some sort of self-propelled vehicle nearly since he was able to crawl. He's been riding a two-wheeler since last August and recently even went around Lake Harriet with Ten and I on the way home from school.

This is a true feat for a small child. First, it was a long distance. So far this spring he and I have gone on two or three several-mile rides. Second, the lake trail is busy and you need to stay on the right and are regularly passed.

He was fairly competitive each time someone tried to pass him, speeding up, but he eventually got the hang of it. Toward the end he got a bit tired and wobbly, but we made it.

So yesterday we were on our way to the Y with BioMom and she commented on how furiously fast he had to peddle in order to just keep up with us.

BioMom: No wonder he gets exhausted!

So we decided to let him pick out his own new bike the next size up. \

We rarely get new bikes for kids and had planned on him just getting Ten's hand-me-downs, but this particular size of Ten's (which we had gotten for her from a friend) we had passed on to a neighbor girl, so it was perfect.

I can't tell you how much fun it was to watch him pick out this bike (we got it on sale) and its accessories.

I think you only get a few moments like that with a kid.

The only thing that surprised me? That he didn't bring it to bed with him.

Big is still Big

2010-04-15T20:58:00.000-07:00

We had his four-year-old check up today (four months late) and he is in the 95th percentile for height and the 97th for weight.

Whoa.

Sperm Bank Subject to Strict Liability

2010-04-15T12:58:00.001-07:00

Check this out:
Law360, New York (April 06, 2010) -- A federal appeals court has upheld a lower court decision denying the strict products liability claims of a mother against a semen bank they accused of selling sperm with a genetic mutation that has caused her child's developmental disabilities.

In finding in favor of Daxor Corp. unit Idant Laboratories, a three-judge panel of the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Third Circuit ruled Thursday that the mother's claims were barred by the statute of limitations and that those she brought on behalf of the child failed to state an actionable theory of harm or damages.

The appellate panel decided New York law does not permit tort claims for “wrongful life,” citing earlier cases that similarly acknowledge the “thorny problems in the damages context” of asking the court to compare between the choice of life in an impaired state and not being born at all.

Because New York law does not provide children with a protected right to be born free of genetic defects, the daughter's genetic makeup cannot constitute an injury, the panel said.

The mother sued the sperm bank in 2008 after learning 10 years earlier that her daughter's developmental delays could be associated with the fragile X genetic mutation that she herself did not carry. At the time Idant Laboratories told the mother that the developmental delays were unrelated to fragile X.

In April 2009 Judge Thomas O'Neill of the U.S. District Court for the Eastern District of Pennsylvania dismissed the mother's claims as time-barred, but ruled that the daughter could pursue products liability claims against the health care center.

Sperm, Judge O'Neill wrote, is different from blood and other human tissues which are exempt from products liability torts because of their necessary roles in public health.

Two months later O'Neill reversed himself, dismissing the entire complaint and ruling that New York courts would likely interpret the daughter's claim as one for wrongful life.

On appeal the plaintiffs asked the Third Circuit to certify the decision to the New York Supreme Court, because the state's limited blood shield law might indicate that the legislature wanted to have providers of tissue such as sperm be potentially responsible for defective products, attorney Daniel Thistle said Tuesday.

Because New York exempts only blood, a breach of warranty case could be brought regarding other human tissues, arguing not that the child shouldn't have been born, but that the sperm provider should bear some responsibility for the additional costs associated with raising a child with special needs, Thistle said.

“It was an interesting and challenging case. I'm disappointed that the court ruled against us,” he said.

Rory Lubin, an attorney for Idant Laboratories, said Tuesday that the appellate ruling was a correct interpretation of the law.

“The decision is just and well supported by precedent and as much as we can all be sympathetic to the [family] the decision was decided on the law and not sympathy,” he said.

Idant, which is based in New York, is in full compliance with regulatory standards in its screening process and even today there is no standard that would require the bank to screen for this type of genetic mutation, he said.

Lubin agreed with Thistle's contention that parents could have standing to bring a similar suit under New York law if they filed within the statute of limitations, though he maintained his doubt regarding the merits of the instant case.

“There are available genetic tests that can be requested at the parents cost, but the lesson to be drawn here is that there are thousands upon thousands of genetic mutations and it is simply impossible for the reproductive tissue banks to screen for every single one of those possibilities,” he said.

Fragile X syndrome, also known as Martin-Bell syndrome, causes intellectual impairment and emotional and behavioral problems and results in physical traits such as enlarged ears and a long face with a prominent chin.

Judges Maryanne Trump Barry, Theodore A. McKee and Morton I. Greenberg ruled on the appeal.

The mother and daughter were represented by the Law Offices of Daniel Thistle.

Idant Laboratories was represented by Wilson Elser Moskowitz Edelman & Dicker LLP.

The case is D.D. v. Idant Laboratories, case number 09-3460, in the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Third Circuit.

Becoming a Free Range Kid: Part III -- a coming out story

2010-04-13T13:05:00.000-07:00

So I don't ever really come out anymore. Not in the classic sense. Frankly, I don't need to. I guess I'm sort of type-cast. People recognize me as a lesbian.

But this post isn't about coming out as a lesbian. This is another type of coming out that I don't normally do. I don't like to do it and I rarely do. And sometimes it gets me in trouble (as it might here) in the sense that sometimes I will know someone for years before they find this out about me, and, well, it is awkward.

But I will come out here because it is relevant.

This post is about coming out as a survivor of extreme violence.

In 1970, on July 23rd in Omaha Nebraska, someone (we are still not one-hundred percent sure who) entered our house and murdered my 18 year old sister by stabbing her eleven times in her back and twice in her stomach (or maybe it is the reverse, I'd have to look at the records again to be sure).

I was the only witness, if you can call it that. I was not yet one year old.

There are a bazillion things I could talk about with regard to this, but what is important and relevant is that I am still a proponent of free range kids. What happened to our family while horrible and infinitely destructive was a fluke. We are still not sure if she even knew the person, although stories abound. The most prominent one is that she was babysitting me, took me out for ice cream, met some guy at a park and he followed her home.

This is not to say that the story doesn't scare the cuss out of me. As does the notification of an attempted abduction near Ten's school.

Sure. It does. To quote the Fantastic Mr. Fox (again). I'm not scared. I have a phobia.

But I'm also scared of cars. And bikes. And skateboards without helmets. And too much candy. And nutrasweet. And ACT scores that are less than 20. And airplanes. And drugs. And bad influences.

And lightning.

Let's face it. Life is scary. Now let your kids be free to grow up and maybe not harbor your same fears.

Becoming a Free Range Kid: Part II - so much for encouraging free-range-ness

2010-04-13T13:02:00.000-07:00

So I just got this email:

"Fw: Attention Windom Residents-Attempted Kidnapping of 11 Year Old Female

On Monday, April 12, an attempted kidnapping occurred near 56 St W/Grand Av S at approximately 6:30 p.m. An eleven year old female was walking home from school when a black pick-up truck pulled up next to her and the driver yelled at her to come over to the truck. The driver's side window was rolled down adn the driver's side door was already partially open. The suspect then attempted to grab her arm and tried to pull her into the truck. The victim screamed and began punching and scratching the suspect. She was able to get free and ran home..."

A Message from A Student in Cousin's Girl's Class

2010-04-10T06:52:00.000-07:00

From Parent of Student in Cousin's Kindergarten-Girl's Class: "Hi [Kindergarten Teacher], I just wanted to share with you something [my boy] said the other night. He was talking about [Cousin's Daughter] (his best friend) and how much he likes her. [This is what he said:]

'I like her SO much that it's like I'm carrying a giant heart (demonstrates with arms) whenever I'm with her. And when I look at her face, there's a rainbow of hearts all around my head.'

Never expected that to come out of his mouth, and we thought it was just about the sweetest thing we had ever heard! Just thought you might get a kick out of it :)"

Becoming a Free Range Kid: Part I

2010-04-09T09:19:00.000-07:00

So I have been reading the Free Range Kid blog and am becoming increasingly interested in encouraging my kids' independence as well as concerned about Ten and both her reluctance to be independent and what I perceive as her nearly absolute lack of skills to do so safely.

Since September, nearly every day at around 2:30 I have met her at the Starbucks across the street from her school.

It has been a fabulous arrangement. Our little private school (I can't believe we aren't public school people sometimes, let alone CATHOLIC school people) doesn't have a bussing system so we drop her off and pick her up.

Every day.

Along with everyone else at the school.

You can imagine the congestion.

So I thought to myself: why not have her meet me at the coffee shop, then if I get there early (or, more likely, if she is a little late) I can crank out a little work, or read a book AND I don't have to waste 20 minutes of my life in the car in line in the back of the school!

Neither BioMom nor I were concerned at all about Ten making the trek across and down the street. There are lights and even a "manned" crosswalk after school. For the first couple of days, I was a little panicked when she showed up ten minutes after school let out, but I relaxed into it and it has been a great arrangement for us. We hang out there and she does her homework before we grab Big whose preschool ends about and hour later. Plus she knows that there is no expectation of purchasing snacks there and the Starbucks people don't mind us hanging out without purchasing.

Recently though, I've been settled into an afternoon caffeine pick-me-up (ala Cousin) and a little computer work when she's sauntered in sans homework.

As I've mentioned before, there is nothing like a bored preteen when you've got some or other deadline, or even when you've got a nice cuppa hot coffee that you just want to relax into.

So, the other day she asked if she could go to the library.

My heart sank a bit. As said, I had my hour all laid out before me! What would I do with this "to-stay" cup of coffee? Did I really have to pack up my computer and head down the block to only re-set up in the library, hence losing 10 minutes of precious work time?

So I asked her if she was interested in going by herself.

The library is about 1.5 blocks away from Starbucks, down a street of businesses (a grocery store, a restaurant, Subway, a movie rental place and Caribou) then across a very busy street (with a light) and past a liquor store. These are all places that we have visited on numerous occasions and a little urban corner that we pass nearly twice a day on average to and from her school.

This is to say that she is certainly familiar with the area. Plus, if one were concerned, they could literally walk backwards from Starbucks to the library and keep the Starbucks in sight the entire time.

She showed no hesitancy so we made a plan for me to meet up with her a few minutes later.

All went swimmingly. I finished my coffee and my work and even made a quick stop for some Summit at the liquor store before heading over.

I found her curled up with a book at a library table in the children's section.

Wanna know who DID freak out?

BioMom.

Any thoughts, ideas or reactions?

Free Range Kids

2010-03-31T18:31:00.000-07:00

So Cousin just told me about this Website and book (I am 42nd on the list at the library to borrow it at this time).

This is what Lenore Skenazy writes about her burgeoning movement: Do you ever...let your kid ride a bike to the library? Walk to school? Make dinner? Or are you thinking about it? If so, you are raising a Free-Range Kid! Free-Rangers believe in helmets, car seats, seat belts — safety! We just do NOT believe that every time school age kids go outside, they need a security detail. Share your stories, tell your tips and maybe I'll use them in a new book. Here's to common sense parenting in uncommonly overprotective times!

I've been thinking about this sort of thing a lot lately. Big is getting more and more independent and craves time outside, independent time, and exploring. When the sun is up he wants out.

He's little -- even according to Skenazy -- but I can see him already pushing his own envelope. He wants permission to ride his bike around the block by himself. He wants to be free to explore not only our yard, but the neighbors' yards too. When we bike together, he wants to go many blocks away, and I can see him struggling trying to remember directions, a little map of the neighborhood being constructed in his head.

This is new territory for us. Remember this?

Ten, to this day, has not pushed that envelope. She is happy to be indoors, hesitant to be independent, and with nearly zero practical sense.

In one direction, we live about three blocks (one long and two short) to a little local grocery store, a little hardware store and a great coffee shop.

She has no idea how to get there.

And you can imagine that we've been there a few times.

She has no idea how to get to her school.

It is nine blocks away and there is nearly a straight shot.

When Cousin and I were little (less than nine) we had the run of the neighborhood and I don't remember boundaries and I want that for my kids. I worry for Ten and her lack of practicality. And I wonder how far we'll let Big go. I'm tempted to let him go around the block. If it weren't for the cars in the alley, I'd already do it. We're learning about how drivers don't look for bikers generally, let alone bikers that are one foot off the ground.

I'm sure he'll push her too and they'll become independent. . . together.

Oeuf

2010-03-28T19:13:00.000-07:00

That's So Gay

2010-03-28T18:30:00.000-07:00

So, Ten, being as she is now in the fourth grade, is beginning to experience her peers using the term "gay" in a derogatory way.

We had casually warned her about this.

And, from what we have read, we expected that one of her (their -- she and Big's) biggest issues-being children of gay or lesbian parents-will be their concern for us and wanting to protect us.

I didn't hear about it from her, but from a friend whose daughter is in Ten's class and who was on the receiving end of the slander, for no reason whatsoever, presumably.

They seem to be testing the word in a rather general way, although, of course, the only kid in the class that you could even slightly forecast homosexuality in his future, has become a clear target.

My heart aches for the kid.

I guess I thought that things would be different in a post-Ellen pre-pubescent world.

Not so much.

In any case, Ten was telling us a bit about it. Again, it sounds like, for the most part, the kids really don't know what they're saying; not even using the term in a consistently derogatory way, one kid even said that he was, himself, 'gay' to Ten.

After school one day Ten was telling me how she has been reacting, by informing kids in what sounds like a too-informed, too-mature way that the term they are using is "offensive" and hurtful and that they shouldn't use it.

The little mice in their head take a couple of spins around until they say "Oh... Your PARENTS are gay. . . . " or something like that.

My heart aches again.

For a couple of reasons.

First, I don't wish on her early maturity.

I had that and it was over-rated.

Second, I certainly don't wish on her to be the poster-child of some pro-gay agenda at her little Catholic school. You know how you sort of hope that your kid can sort of slide through middle school before shining in high school? Sort of get through the awkward years and early puberty without too much scarring?

So we had a little talk, she and BioMom and I. Urging her to really let some of her peers' pathetic attempts at trying out their new language roll off her back. To choose the most important battles -- like the one where the kid who we think might be gay gets teased.

Why do you think he might be gay? Asks she.

I let her in on the secret of our little club. How we know each other from across the room. How, at a restaurant or a coffee shop, I might say 'hi' to someone who seems like a stranger, and really, who is someone that we do not know, but who I know has had some of the same stuff happen to her as has happened to me. How can I tell? I dunno, I said. And we certainly could be wrong, but more often than not, we are right and it is sometimes a look, sometimes a way of dress, sometimes, a way of movement, but more often than not just a simple, inexplicable feeling of recognition.

Queering the Census

2010-03-15T20:43:00.000-07:00

I don't know how many of you readers out there are dataheads like myself, but if you are, TUNE IN!

This will be the third U.S. Census in which we can (sort of) identify gay and lesbian individuals in the United States (1990, 2000, 2010).

I say "sort of" because well, it is not a COMPLETE measurement of gay and lesbian people. Far from it.

In the picture above, you can see that I am filling out our Census form (it is a $100 fine if you don't and an $500 fine if you lie btw).

If you combine the information about a person's sex and how they check the little box as to how the subsequent people in the household are related to the household head, you can get an idea of whether or not the COUPLE is a gay or lesbian couple.

For example, there will be some percentage of Americans who will check the box "husband or wife" and person 1 and person 2 will be of the same sex.

Similarly, there will be some percentage of Americans who will check the box "unmarried partner" and person 1 and person 2 will be of the same sex.

There are lots of problems with this (obviously).

The first of which is that we are only getting at COUPLED gay and lesbian Americans.

The second of many is that the Census, thanks to Fmr President Bush, follows the Federal Defense of Marriage Act (passed by Fmr President Clinton, liberal that he claimed to be) to the letter and will not recognize married gay and lesbian couples even if they are in states in which they are legally able to be married. So Census officials will (literally) RECODE these individuals in one of two ways:
1. they will change them to unmarried partners OR
2. they will change one individual's sex so that the couple will SEEM to be a heterosexual couple.

I shit you not. Welcome to America, 2010.

Furthermore, I'm not sure they will do this in any systematic way, nor are we researchers assured that such cases will be "flagged".

Third of many issues is that people eff up when they fill out the Census. Believe it or not, there is a small (and possibly significant) number of individuals who accidentally mark down the wrong sex. So, say a heterosexual male is filling out the Census and he marks himself down as a female accidentally. Then that couple will be seen as a lesbian couple who said they were married.

This problem translates into a statistical nightmare for researchers -- a small statistical error magnifies itself among minority populations.

I am writing all of this to say that if you are interested in getting a more thorough "snapshot" of America, then Queer the Census!

Are We Safe?

2010-03-11T19:42:00.000-08:00

My brother who lives in Denver just told me about the case where the child of lesbian parents attending a Catholic school has gotten kicked out of school.

The Denver Archdiocese posted a statement Friday that the parents are "living in open discord with Catholic teaching."

Here's what the pastor at the school said on his blog.

STATEMENT:
The Archdiocese of Denver on Catholic School Admissions Policy

A principal reason parents place their children in Archdiocese of Denver Schools is to reinforce the Catholic beliefs and values that the family seeks to live at home. To preserve the mission of our schools, and to respect the faith of wider Catholic community, we expect all families who enroll students to live in accord with Catholic teaching. Our admission policy states clearly, “No person shall be admitted as a student in any Catholic school unless that person and his/her parent(s) subscribe to the school’s philosophy and agree to abide by the educational policies and regulations of the school and Archdiocese.”

Parents living in open discord with Catholic teaching in areas of faith and morals unfortunately choose by their actions to disqualify their children from enrollment. To allow children in these circumstances to continue in our school would be a cause of confusion for the student in that what they are being taught in school conflicts with what they experience in the home.

We communicated the policy to the couple at Sacred Heart of Jesus Catholic School as soon as we realized the situation. We discussed the reasons with them and have sought to respond in a way that does not abruptly displace the student but at the same time respects the integrity of the Catholic school’s philosophy.

Thoughts on Marriage

2010-03-11T08:14:00.000-08:00

So I got a special little present from Cousin's Mom in the mail the other day.

As an adult, it is so fun to get little unexpected packages in the mail. Maybe that's why I order books so often.

Anyway, thanks Aunt Bev!

I called her to thank her and somehow we got into a conversation about marriage.

I've been getting into conversations about marriage a lot with people over the last year or so, what I call "The Marriage Project."

My nephew is getting married this spring, another friend of mine is thinking about getting married to her long-term boyfriend, and another friend of mine is having some doubts about her existing marriage--like, what it means to be married in general, what it means to be a heterosexual couple and not have kids, etc. (all that normal stuff), and finally, I've got marriage on my mind with the Perry v. Schwarzenneger Case that is currently going in in California (see this great New Yorker article for an overview).

I never really cared about marriage. Never wanted the ceremony for myself, never really thought about it as a civil right for gays and lesbians. I never cared one way or another. I didn't really care if my heterosexual friends got married or not, or even if my gay friends got married or not.

I did "get" the spiritual part of it, and the notion of standing up in front of all of your loved ones and announcing your intention to spend your life together. I got the idea that by doing so you were also asking for support from your friends and loved ones. I also "got" the institution of marriage and I think I get that marriage is generally good for a society in that it builds communities, makes us a bit more stable and that it probably helps kids in the long run too.

But I've always looked at it from an academic's distance, with a libertarian bent: we should all be able to chose what's best for us and for the most part, we'll all be better off if we do just that.

In that sense, gay marriage for me is not unlike polygamy (in its best sense -- not the whole marrying teenage brides shennanegans). Objectively, I'm not sure I've got anything against polygamy.

So now, in the midst of all these discussions with my friends, AND it coming upon tax season again where I usually get riled up when I realize (again) that the pesky government rules limit our choices because we are not strictly speaking *married*, I find myself thinking about the issue a lot.

So I was talking with Cousin's mom about marriage again the other day and one thing seems for certain: that marriage is really different now than it was for them. My mom (her sister) was married in 1944 when she was 19 years old. Her husband (my dad) worked three jobs at the time and she very quickly had two twin boys. They didn't have much choice, both scientifically and religiously-speaking, in terms of reproductive planning, she didn't have much choice in terms of work (there weren't many options for women in terms of education or occupation at the time, and many states had laws that forbade women from working once they were married, and finally once a woman had kids, there were few options regarding day care if she were to work, if any), and most people didn't have much money, so making ends meet was the main goal.

This is all to say that drastic changes in all of these areas have allowed us (middle and upper class Americans) to make deliberate choices in our lives and that the bottom line has changed. Now we make choices that will, hopefully, make us happier. Mom made choices in the same way, presumably, but I doubt that her goal in marrying dad, having kids, staying home with kids, earning, spending and saving money was in the context of costs and benefits around life satisfaction in the way that those decisions are in our current lives.

Let me be clear: I think that this change is unequivocally good. I'd rather not revert back to hunter-gatherer days in which my existence dependent on whether or not my tribe was successful in its hunt, and I'd rather not change lives with the 19th century pioneers who had very little leisure and spent most of their days producing the necessary goods necessary for life.

No, additional time and leisure is good. And changes in culture, society, technology and productivity that have expanded our choice set are unequivocally good.

But I'm not sure that it is easier in some senses of the word. We have become more existential in some ways. How does one even make major decisions like getting married and kids without the social dictum? How and why do we stay married without a social dictum? And what if the new dictum is: do what pleases you? What happens when marriage doesn't please? What do the role of institutions play in this world of pleasure and choice?

Ten!

2010-03-08T09:11:00.001-08:00

Happy Birthday, Ten!
I started writing this blog when you were four. FOUR. That's Big's age now.

How does an entire decade pass?

Here are some pictures from birthdays past with this year's photo to come.

ZERO

ONE

TWO

THREE

FOUR

FIVE

SIX

SEVEN

EIGHT

NINE

Fat

2010-02-17T18:27:00.000-08:00

So, for Valentine's day I don't really think about the kids. BioMOm's my valentine, and that's that in my opinion.

BioMom, however, does.

She got them both little gifties to celebrate the day.

Unfortunately for her, she doesn't get the credit.

Nine opened up her little heart necklace and said: "Thanks Baba!"

And when Big found a small version of Chutes and Ladders, he gave me a huge hug.

I just beamed, choosing not to correct their mistakes.

We tore open the game and some chocolate hearts and played a round, Nine tromping us all having landed on the longest ladder and avoiding all chutes.

Big: "Let's play again! [Nine], can I be your girl this time?"

Nine: "No."

BioMom, Big and I: "Why not?"

Nine: "She's fat."

Sometimes I think that being a girl makes raising a girl more difficult.

BioMom and I went into tag-team formation.

"What?"

"What did you say?"

We bulldozed her with our overwhelming reaction to the comment. And I mean that in a self-reprehensive way. We definitely did not handle it well. Is that what you think about her? What would someone think who heard you say that? What did you mean by that? Ugh. It was bad. She initially denied saying it, we went into blah blah blah lectures about media images and women and how women then feel about themselves etc.

We were nothing but attack and she was nothing but defense.

I got back to her later when we were both a bit removed.

It is really a complicated message we send to young girls. On the one hand we harp about eating healthy and not too much. To eat less sugar and pop. With Nine we pay attention to carbs, knowing that like us, she tends toward overeating when it's really bad for you and yummy. And knowing that she just does better in school when she's got some protein under her belt in the morning.

We never talk about being fat although she'd have to be deaf to not hear BioMom and I's own personal concerns when we know we've had a bad few months and gained a few unwanted pounds.

So now we're harping that fat is basically the equivalent of a swear word and our arguments were steeped in complicated feminist rhetoric.

ugh.

How do all of you react to your girls' reactions to society? What do you do when they pick up the negatives you wish you could shield them from?

Lezzie Award

2010-02-17T18:16:00.000-08:00

So Kelly, over at The Lesbian Lifestyle notified me today that this blog has been nominated for an award for lesbian parenting blogs.

I've never much thought about blogger awards other than to use them to navigate toward good writing and different perspectives that I would not find on my own, so I am humbled and excited about this. I've thought of this blog mostly as an 'in the parenting trenches' sort of blog as opposed to one that people perhaps turn to when they need real information or help. But I guess that just hearing from others of us that are in the trenches helps.

I hope so at least.

If you're inclined, nominate and vote. If you're too in the trenches, or just busy watching the Olympics (Lindsey's on right now, who, after the Sports Illustrated cover, has become more interesting to me), no biggie.

El Toro Loco Hermano

2010-02-15T15:05:00.000-08:00

Yes... We did, in fact, attend the Hottest Show on WHEELS WHEELS WHEELS!

Mean

2010-02-10T09:22:00.000-08:00

Apologies for the lack of posts. I'll tell you what I've been doing, but be prepared, the description is soporific.

I've been working on a project on Tajikistan. My advisor and I have a revise and resubmit to Feminist Economics which is highly ironic. The journal is seen as fairly low ranking among most economists (I think). What does this mean? Well, it means that when you are putting a journal article that was published there on your "brag sheet" that the people in your department think to themselves "I'll count this but I KNOW it was an easy pub so in my heart, I'll really discount it. . . ."

And why does THAT matter? Well, discounts over time add up to possibly not getting promoted or getting less of an increase in your pay check.

Whatever.

The problem is that the topic we're looking into -- maternal health (which is, by the way an important component of the Millenium Development Goals) -- is perfectly suited for that particular journal.

So the irony? It ends up being a REALLY difficult journal to get into.

Once we were working on a project on the Czech Republic. We sent it off to the best journal on the topic of transition economics. Got a revise and resubmit. Revised and resubmitted and then got a rejection. Then we went on to Feminist Economics. Same story.

And yes, that was many months of work for an outright ultimate rejection.

So here we are again.

I've been working on preparing the latest data released from Tajikistan (seriously). Which has entailed writing some code on household expenditures that is normally already provided by the World Bank but in this case is not yet ready.

So this is an example of what ended up being a 19 page document that took me a bunch of time (hence no blogging):

gen xpot= m10q6b if code_pro == 862
egen hhxpot = mean(xpot), by(hhid)
gen xpot_mo = (hhxpot*52)/12
lab var xpot_mo "monthly exp on potatoes"

gen xtom= m10q6b if code_pro == 863
egen hhxtom = mean(xtom), by(hhid)
gen xtom_mo = (hhxtom*52)/12
lab var xtom_mo "monthly exp on tomatoes"

gen xcar= m10q6b if code_pro == 864
egen hhxcar = mean(xcar),by(hhid)
gen xcar_mo = (hhxcar*52)/12
lab var xcar_mo "monthly exp on carrots"

gen xcab= m10q6b if code_pro == 865
egen hhxcab = mean(xcab), by(hhid)
gen xcab_mo = (hhxcab*52)/12
lab var xcab_mo "monthly exp on cabbage"

gen xcau= m10q6b if code_pro == 866
egen hhxcau = mean(xcau), by(hhid)
gen xcau_mo = (hhxcau*52)/12
lab var xcau_mo "monthly exp on cauliflower"

It goes on and on.

Anyway. So the topic of this post.

Warning: more math.

The other day Nine (nearly Ten!) explained to me that they were learning about the Mean (i.e. the average) in math that day.

I couldn't resist.

I'm a total math nerd. I love it. I'm in the middle of a book called The Big Questions in which the author essentially thinks that math is religion and can explain everything. That everything can be boiled down to math. I'm also teaching a math class at Macalester College at the moment, so I'm obsessed.

Anyway, I couldn't resist talking to her about the Normal Distribution because, well, it IS related to the mean and because I happen to be in love with two interesting and related topics:
1. The Law of Large Numbers
and
2. The Central Limit Theorem.

When her eyes glazed over I wrapped it up by talking to her about the two symbols that I know of that mean "mean": x-bar and mu.

Her response was that she knew another symbol for "mean".

I asked what it was, genuinely curious.

She drew a little face with slanty eyebrows.

It was indeed, mean.

Same Sex Marriage Bans Hurt Traditional Marriage

2010-01-13T19:31:00.001-08:00

Check out this article from Air America Radio.

100 Things

2010-01-13T18:24:00.000-08:00

Cousin sent me this list and blog the other day.

According to Taggert over at A Random Walk, the source of my own personal autism is that I have no skill whatsoever in #61.

Do you have any additions to the list?

Some are absurd. Should everyone really be able to give a eulogy? God, I hope not.

I think we should all be able to make rice, consider someone else, recognize how small we are in this world, and perhaps (and this is my own bias here) spend a period of time in which we live alone (with or without a pet).

Pictionary Junior

2010-01-03T09:17:00.001-08:00

So Big turns out to be a shark in Pictionary Junior.

We didn't know how it would go, drawing pictures, guessing what they were, teams, etc. etc. But he started recognizing a few drawn pictures and we even let him draw a few and he was doing quite well (and let me just say, we're no artists around here!):

A Paintbrush!

Toothpaste!

Until I drew this picture (he added the errant line afterward):

His immediate (loud) response:

TESTICLE!!!!!!

New Year's Presence

2010-01-01T10:00:00.001-08:00

I just read the New Year's Post over at Stories She Tells and was motivated too, to reconsider New Years' Pasts as a method to motivate presence in the new year.

I too, will go back to New Years 1999 with all of its Y2K fears.

My life was on a true precipice at that moment.

I was living in DC and had literally just broken up with a woman who was never really good for me. I was finishing up my dissertation and had a few interviews in my pocket at schools all over the country for the upcoming national meetings the following weekend. I had no idea where I'd end up but I knew I'd be moving by August. It was all potential.

The gal in question was a rebound relationship. An artist whom I had met through a dating add in which I answered her call for 'interested in friendship and maybe more.' She had come to Cousin's wedding with me (I know, I know, why did I take her) in December of that year and it was there that I realized how not good we were for each other. I returned from the wedding a couple of days after Christmas and called her on the phone to breakup.

Had I had a postit note, I would have followed the Berger method.

She was furious. You can imagine, only a few days before New Year's Eve at the end of the long '90s.

I arrived at a New Year's party of a distant friend way too early but was glad I showed up because it was in Adam's Morgan and we walked only a short distance to see the gorgeous fireworks over the Mall.

I made no predictions at that point about the decade to come.

The interviews in January went well. I had a couple of interesting ones at Middlebury College in VT and one at some strange midwest city called La Crosse. There was a guy in the interview that seemed interesting but I couldn't imagine living in the small town and pointedly asked the African faculty member they had on the interview team what he thought life was like there. The others seemed so provincial: "So... Did you actually work at the World Bank?"

I didn't have the heart to tell them how UNglamorous it was.

At an interview with the University of Vermont one guy actually sat and read the newspaper the entire time. And upon arriving at an interview at some small college in Pennsylvania, the chair of the department literally beat me to the closest parking spot making me walk six blocks in the snow to the building.

So, LaCrosse it ultimately was.

I found myself there in August after a cross-country trek with a high school friend among a pile of boxes both in my office and in an apartment wondering what I was doing there.

As I now look back on the decade "of the aughts" I see my life literally unfold into what it is and will be for some time: meeting BioMom and, then, 18 month old, getting published, home refurbs, Big, this blog, biking, rollerblading, Cousin's move here. I agree with Jen -- " must admit that with so many of those monumental life experiences are out of the way, so much of it feels decided." But I think that's the point of this next stage. If we can be present here, in this space of non-anticipatoryness, in this space of already-decided, then we can relax into it and enjoy it and make the most of it.

I want to not hope for the next stage or the next thing and be in the present.

HSAs and Gay Marriage/wolf in lamb's clothing Revisited

2009-12-30T10:47:00.000-08:00

So BioMom's firm is making a few changes about their health care and giving its workers some choices. We were considering an HSA which would allow us to put pre-tax money that we don't use in any given year toward a health savings account that we can use when we get old.

We knew that that plan had some discriminatory effects against GLBT couples (despite the fact that it allows glbt workers to put their domestic partners on the plan) such as, for example, allowing the savings part of the HSA to go only to the employed worker, not the unmarried partner.

One catch of the plan is that it had a $4000 deductible.

We had decided to go with the HSA this year until today when BioMom found out that any health expense of mine does NOT go toward the $4000 deductible. So, for example, were I to get into a car accident on January 2nd and we had not reached the $4000, we would essentially go bankrupt paying my health expenses out-of pocket.

This stuff infuriates me.

Now back to the gal (friend?) of mine who was against gay marriage.

And, frankly all of you out there who are against gay marriage.

I remain open to the fact that you and I may have different religious beliefs and I will give you the freedom to believe that marriage between two men or two women is against your beliefs (although I hate the argument that then that implies people will marry their pets, etc.).

But I can't stand the fact that you want to limit my rights as a hard-working, tax-paying, child-rearing citizen.

Now for the punchline: that "friend" of mine admitted to me a few weeks ago that she has had no less than two affairs.

Priceless.

Birthday Sledding on the Dangerous Big Hill

2009-12-29T06:38:00.000-08:00

Cousin's girl turned six the other day and we decided to go sledding on the Big Hill in celebration.

Little did we expect that the rainy-sleet the night before would leave the hill a dangerous icy bumpy mess. That combined with many sledding compatriots adds up to a bunch of rockets on the same trajectory (the bottom).

Cousin got pounded in the back on her first ride down, leaving her in the ER waiting room the next day for hours.

(She's okay, just suffering a deep bruise).

Pre-Storm Outdoor Fun

2009-12-23T19:39:00.000-08:00

We are expecting the storm of the century up here this weekend! Wishing you all a great holiday filled with warmth, family, fun, and light.

Skating

2009-12-21T19:46:00.000-08:00

Check out Cousin's kids and Big on the first day of winter vacation and a second video here.

Here is a THIRD video with even MORE kids including a special appearance by Nine and her friend, Sidekick (Okay, I'm just going nuts now...).