Monday, October 16, 2006

Ahhh, Fall




I just read Lesbian Dad's post about taking their last trip as a threesome before the baby arrives.

We took that same trip last year. A last whoop-dee-doo for the three of us. We travelled all the way up north to the Gunflint trail. Literally a stone's throw from Canada.

It was lovely. But now, looking back at the pictures, something (someone?) was definitely missing.

BioMom and I were having a conversation with someone recently (a man) who was talking about a friend of his (a woman) who could not conceive and the grief she felt over not "feeling life in her womb".

As a woman who will probably not conceive, I have not had that distinct urge or felt that grief. I wondered about this feeling aloud to BioMom the other night, probing about what I will ultimately miss. She said it was wonderful. Amazing. Incredible, but also a bit surreal. And she also explained a little about what I had suspected already. That, looking at Big, here, in real life, it felt somehow that the person inside was different than the person outside. That, somehow, it didn't feel like Big was inside.

I look back at those pictures in a similar way. We called him "Itsy" not knowing if it was a "he" or a "she" and having no clue about the personality that was about to become a unique force in our lives. In those pictures (and remembering back at the photographer -- me -- taking them, the person prior to the galactic shift) we seem to almost be looking for something. Waiting, perhaps.

1 comment:

Polly P said...

So glad to hear corroborated what I sense, too. All the literature about the "fourth trimester" outside the womb confirms for me how much there still seems to be emerging, even after the little buggers come out.

Long ago, my beloved and I sat across from one another at the dinner table thinking: "We're ready; it feels lonesome here." Now that there are three of us, with another on the way, we feel pretty much the same way. As you put it, someone's missing. We just don't know who he is yet.

Oh--and kudos on the blog name change! Avast & ahoy!